Nat S Ford (natf) wrote,
Nat S Ford
natf

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Just a brain-dump

This is just a brain-dump / stream of conciousness. Maybe dumping it here will get it out of my mind and let me rest?

I feel sick and fatigued and there is a constant, silent scream of panic and pain in my head.

I NEED to REST.

I need a pause button for life or even a stop button (for my mind, at least) because, until I rest and so hopefully feel better, I cannot deal with the stuff I need to deal with and it just weighs on my mind and stops me resting and I can't do task A because I am panicking about task B and …

I feel so ILL right now. My vision is wobbly. Nausea. Pain (guts, eyes, head, feet, … the list just goes on and on and is another weight on my mind/life/energy/spoons).

Stress and worry exacerbates both IBS and MS. Heh.

Vicious cycle/circle/spiral.

I think that I still need to learn to say NO. To at least ponder whether I will be able to manage something before agreeing to do it. The problem is that I want to make other people's lives easier and forget about my own …

I am using "…" (…) a lot in this entry. This is because my mind keeps doing it and so …

I keep phasing out.

My mind keeps screaming, "I CAN'T DO THIS!"
"I CAN'T COPE!!"
"AAARRGH!!!!!!!"

I will live, I know that. Ultimately I CAN do this and I CAN cope - I just need a chance to reboot first.

Please, world, give me that chance? PLEASE?

I hope that dumping all of this here will let my mind stop screaming at me and let me rest for a short while at least…
Tags: argh!
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