I realized that there are some things that would be even less fun than a sneak-attack eye dilation. Like a Guerilla Sniper Colonoscopy. Or the dreaded Ninja Pap Smear. Or the legendary Death-Strike Black Ops Paratrooper Prostate Exam...
So all in all, I suppose if I had to choose, I'd go with the sneak-attack eye dilation at the Mall.
ETA: I only wish that you could all read the even funnier ensuing comments thread!