March 25th, 2013

argh, mini-diablo, diablo

So here's the thing

There seems to be one guy in our otherwise friendly WoW guild that pushes all of my buttons. So many of the things he "says" in guild chat (typed) trigger me by "sounding" like things that my abusers have said in the past. I could list examples and many of you would reply/comment that I am right to be hurt by what he says but then there will be people that disagree as well. Let's be honest, I feel how I feel and triggers happen so fast and uncontrollably with, in my case, verbal/typed reactions before my consciousness can step in and stop me. There is nothing, that I have discovered (in years of counselling/therapy and reading) that I can do about that. These triggers will trigger and my reactions to them are primal and at such a low-level in my psyche that I cannot prevent or intercept them.

So, what I need to do is *not* throw my toys out of the pram and put that person on /ignore because that would make little sense of guild chat and I would not do that to a guildie, except for a very short time. I need to *not* /gquit over this because, otherwise this guild is a VERY good fit for me.

What I need to try to do is that, if I am in a fragile mood and would be better off not seeing that person talking in guild chat, I need to either quit WoW and knit/read or switch to one of my un-guilded toons on another server. As soon as I find myself wanting to minimise the chat window that I have /g in I need to remove myself from any toons in that guild. If I need to stay because I am part of a guild raid or something similar then I need to try to remember my anti-stress remedies and … care less, as in, "I couldn't…" I know that works. I just wish that I could remember things like that.

If being stressed and triggered to F*** my some bloke (on WoW, else-web or in RL) then remove self from said situation or, if that is not possible or not enough, do the anti-stress remedies.

Mantra: DO NOT RISE TO THEIR (likely unintended) BAIT!

Comments disabled because this really does not need any discussion. I have noticed my behaviour and come up with a possible solution. Now I just need to remember it when triggered and/or stressed.

So, this has been 50% rant/vent and 50% realisation/decision. I now return you to your regularly scheduled LiveJournal.

More about that

I was abused as a child. Verbal/emotional and physical. "Luckily", not sexually.

I then ended up in a number of abusive relationships throughout my life. Mostly emotionally because I always said that if a bloke ever hit me or physically hurt me then I would either show him the door or leave myself after watching my parents' "dynamic". If only I had been as aware of and decisive about emotional abuse. I am now able to see what I went through, in hindsight, and know it for what it was.

This means that I am also starting to recognise how I react to certain styles of verbal/written conversation as symptoms of the PTSD caused by this abuse. When someone says something that 'reminds' me of something said to me in an abusive situation I fall into a fight or flight panic attack situation and, before I realise what is going on consciously, I am fighting back verbally.

I need to learn, somehow, to use the flight response instead. I need to somehow be able to step out of situations like this before making them worse. The problem is that I have no idea how to do so because the state that I enter into is non-conscious. I am unconsciously lashing out in retaliation to pain that I am feeling. I try to explain how I feel and why I am feeling it but that is usually perceived as aggressive - mostly, from what I can gather, because I can type quite fast and use proper English whilst in this state.

What is it about clear English being perceived as aggressive? I have no idea. Maybe the fact that I can talk/type at all when in the midst of a panic attack is perceived as aggressive and weird by the people that my psyche perceives as the attacker(s).

So, yes, I am noticing things that happen. I am sorry that I behave in this way in these situations but will continue to try to explain why I do. Maybe if people learn what other people might be feeling then they might be able to be less judgemental.

Comments disabled. Please do not comment about this else-web. Please respect my boundaries and the boundaries I can employ on LiveJournal.