September 5th, 2012

pixelasleep, sleep

"My mom gives me the silent treatment."

Oh goodness gracious yes!
#339: My mom gives me the silent treatment. «

via "Things you aren't allowed to feel." by naamah_darling

"And, consequently, it scares the fucking shit out of me when people are angry around me. When they yell or stomp around or rant or whatever, any of the completely normal (I guess? Because I do not actually know for sure what constitutes "normal" in this context.) emotional venting shit that people do when they are angry and that shouldn't really scare me unless it is directed at me, personally, which it almost never is. It scares me when I think someone might be angry with me. It scares me when I feel hurt or sick or scared and am barely hanging on, and somebody does something that makes me feel alone or unwanted. It scares me pointing things out that upset me, because historically that was a good way to get myself in hot water. It scares me making my own decisions, because I could be making the wrong one, and will not only probably make someone mad, but have to do it alone, or change my mind anyway just to make the anger stop."

I just wrote a long email to my brother in Mailplane (a Mac OSX Gmail client), saved it as a draft, closed the app and then, when I re-ran the app the draft was not there any more. Gutted.

Anxiety prevents sleep

I am very tired and have tried twice to have a nap today after waking up at some ungodly (for me) hour this morning. The first time I could not sleep because I was hungry so I got up and fed myself but then there was not enough time for a nap before a delivery was due.

The second time, now the delivery has arrived, I have laid in bed for an hour and my brain would not SHUT UP with things that need doing. I was composing LJ posts and emails in my head and then having to make a note of them (or the subjects, at least) so that I did not forget them whilst asleep. Not that I got to sleep. I have sent the most important email now that I have given up trying to sleep to write things down.

I do seem to have a nasty headache now, probably due to tiredness and stress. I will take $painkillers and try again to sleep.