September 14th, 2011

pixelasleep, sleep

I know there is no such thing as NORMAL

… and so I *am* unusual because we all are but, am I even more unusual in that music that makes me feel angry and/or defiant makes me happier? That music than some would find depressing (or, as someone said, "wrist-slitty") makes me defiant and stronger?

I first realised that I am this way with musical music (thank you years of classical music lessons and O Level Music) even if its lyrics might be "depressing" or it is set in a minor key, it is calming and solidifying for me. Elbow. Radiohead and Thom Yorke's solo stuff. Nine Inch Nails and other Trent Reznor projects. Bjork. Portishead. Tricky. I think they just help me to realise that I am happier then I thought I was and let me calm down / chill out.

I first realised that this was how I was with music when I was at university and the Sisters of Mercy, Peter Gabriel, Pink Floyd, U2 and others enabled me to shout lyrics out aloud (or in my head but loudly) that made me feel strong and less depressed. It was also a big help when hubby and I split for nine months back in 2001/2002 - it would make me feel that I did not need anyone to be happy (which is, of course, always true, but I often forget it).

I talked about this with my last counsellor/therapist and she was very interested but, as per the nature of counselling in the UK, she made no comment about what that might mean. She just sounded happy that I had this as an outlet and a way to centre myself.

Just thought I would write this down to (hopefully) remind me for the next time that I just need to sit here with the headphones on and some angry/defiant music on. It is unlikely that I will remember but there we go.

ETA: This may also by why getting rid of all of my tapes and vinyl (and subsequently losing the list/database I had compiled of what albums they were) was such a loss to me. I don't have access to many of the albums that were of the best use to me in this way when I was at uni. I really need to rip the rest of my CDs to mp3s before they go missing as well.
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  • Wed, 01:14: Listening to Heligoland by Massive Attack is really helping me to chill out and calm down. Sometimes all you can do is write it down and out
  • Wed, 01:50: Am I unusual in that music that makes me feel angry and defiant makes me happier?
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