February 6th, 2011


From Twitter 02-05-2011

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pretend-not-here, not-here, pretend

Writer's Block: The name game

What's the origin of your username? If you could change it to anything else, would you, and what would it be?

natalief was my first ever online (on JANET) username in 1985, defined by my then name Natalie Fricker. It was my username at college (both York for my BSc and Kingston for my MSc) and then was my username at most employers as well. I think I may have been nfricker somewhere but that did not stick or get used as often.

When I married hubby, my surname changed from Fricker to Ford and so natalief still worked as a username at work and elsewhere. I try to get natalief as a username wherever I sign up but occasionally (e.g. Ravelry) that has already been taken and I then tend to use natalieford (same as my web domain, natalieford.com) or nataliesford (my middle initial is S).

I have only rarely used a pseudonym that was not based on my real name and cannot remember where I may have done this. I know that I was Delenn once (having watched a lot of Babylon5) but cannot remember any others. To be totally honest, I do not have enough imagination to come up with pseudonyms. I have a couple of pen-name/pseudonym LJ accounts reserved but these are all names based on family names from the past and so are still not that imaginitive.

So, I suppose that you can say that the origin of my username is my real-life name and my online history.

I feel like I am losing me/myself

ETA: This is not an accusation and is not aimed at anyone. It is merely a statement/ramble about how I am feeling right now. If you think this is aimed at you, it isn't.

I cannot remember the child that I was. I have few photographs or childhood items to remind me. As time has gone by, I (and my parents) have got rid of the things that described and/or defined me.

I have lost so many abilities that the hobbies which used to define me to myself have evapourated and, with them, my self-image. I no longer know who I am.

I used to be a sporty loner. Artistic and creative. I would write and write. My mind was brim full with ideas, characters and worlds. Now my mind struggles to hold how I am feeling today, both emotionally and physically. My world has shrunk both with respect to possibilities and to memories. I keep thinking to myself that this must be how that little old lady in the nursing home must feel. I am 43.

In the last few days, many many other items that reminded me of my university-student self (who I also cannot remember without the items) have become landfill. Not even handed on to others via charity shops or eBay. I am become landfill, it seems. And, yes, we all become dust eventually and I do not believe in an afterlife of any kind so I keep finding myself wondering, what is/was the point? Why did I strive to achieve? My accomplishments are now landfill along with my BSc and MSc thesis printouts. I have managed to save a few items to remind myself and some writings/projects that I will scan (like the diaries I wrote when we lived in the US (.PDF) for 9 months when I was 5 → 6). Why do I bother to scan/save them? Nobody else will find them interesting. I am not going to be changing the world at all by saving them or by anything else I do.

I still love to learn. I love teaching myself new knitting skills via downloaded PDFs and watching online videos. I used to want to share that knowledge, maybe even by making videos myself of how I knit.

I used to love to trampoline, teaching that as well. I would cycle, walk and swim. The world around me was to be explored and *seen*.

I now know that I have no right to want to leave something behind as a legacy. I have nothing that anyone will want, once I am gone. I will only be missed by my nearest and dearest and a few of you out there that read my journal, although fewer and fewer of you do, it seems. Maybe because I am becoming more and more inward-looking. Maybe because that is all that I see, these days, apart from four walls, hubby and the cats. I am also becoming more of the opinion that there is little or no point to it all.

Gah - this has become maudlin and rambling. I should probably just delete it and not hit "post" but I am nothing if not completist and would rather this be out there and readable than a *total* waste of my time at the keyboard…

Subject line / title note: "am losing" or "have lost"