November 6th, 2010

puffin

From Twitter 11-05-2010



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unsure, satchel, secret

Rhetorical and rambling deep thoughts

I seem to have a letter/email to my mum spinning around in my head. I guess that I should write it down and then decide whether to send it to her or not. These are things that I feel I need to say for my own peace of mind and sanity but I know that they will likely only cause a row - hence why I need to do it in writing rather than face to face or on the phone. At least if I write it all down I can reread and edit it until it says everything that I want to say, how I want to say it. F2F or on the phone I will forget to say some things and say others that I don't want to say, in the heat of the moment, using words that may be passive aggressive and hurtful. Such is the way our family seems to operate. I have been trying to push all of this to one side and ignore it so as to keep myself happy and content but it is now beginning to niggle in my subconscious and distract me from other thoughts and activities. The calm, contented happiness that I have managed to find in recent months is threatening to implode and, while I do not want to hurt her or anyone else, I may have to do something about this, and soon.

November and December are always the least happy months for me. The run up to xmas, which used to be a big deal in my family, and both parents' birthdays being this month (dad last week and mum this week) always leaves me in a simmering state of panic-undercurrent and black depression as I try to make everyone else happy.

I learned through years of therapy/counselling/reading that nobody is responsible for anyone else's happiness. I have learned not to feel guilty and that it must be my fault when someone is angry or sad. This is despite, for years, being told that I only existed to make other people happy and that I should put others' happiness before my own. I have also realised, tonight, that I CANNOT make mum happy. There is nothing that I can say or do to affect her happiness. I will never be the loving, cuddly, successful son that she had wished that I be. I will never even be the daughter that she would be able to resign herself to having. I need to be able to tell her that and that that is why I avoid spending time with her at the moment.

She will never tell me that she loves me. She will never tell me that she is proud of me. That is not who/how she is and I need to try to come to terms with that.

*sigh*

How to word something like this is the trouble. There is a niggle of doubt that now is not the time to do so with her birthday this week and xmas coming up.

I am a misanthropist. She is a social Scorpio. I am a Leo and so need to be loved/liked. She finds fault and things that I SHOULD do at every turn.

I am now thinking in circles again.
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