October 5th, 2010

mole-think, writing, write, mole-write

Written the other day as I awoke from a nap

I wrote this in my paper journal/notebook once I was awake enough to see to write and before the ideas/memories left me forever. Typed up here verbatim - i.e. with no editing for spelling, grammar or style.

SUN 03 OCT 2010
Waking from my non-nightmare dreams is almost always so very depressing. There is no wonder really, because in my dreams I can think, reason, run, concentrate, plan, jump (and sometimes even fly or use psionic abilities). When I wake I am back to reality, trapped in a body that is progressively losing abilities one after another. I never could do as much in reality as I can in my dreams — and have always wished to be capable of in reality. It is only to be expected, therefore, that I want to go back to sleep when I wake and wish that I could stay in these dreams forever. For there I am everything that I ever was and am now no longer able to be. I am, in that place, also able to be all that I have ever wished to be. Reality is much better than it could be, I know — I have a place to live, clothes and food. In that other place, however, I either no longer need such practicalities or have those and others beyond any I have wished for. Reality sucks. My loved ones are there in my dreams as well as here.



Yeah, okay, it could do with a good edit but I have always wanted to be 'honest and real' about my writing and prefer the 'in the moment' feel that my unedited words can (maybe?) convey. Also, I have never been any good at editing my own writing and hated teachers when suggested edits to my prose or poetry. If I edit it, it is no longer what I thought/wrote at that moment in time and so is no longer an accurate snapshot of my thoughts and feelings. Maybe I need to combine some of my willingness to post-process my photographs so that they better look like how I saw the scene and not how the camera saw the scene. I probably need to think about how the reader will read/interpret my words. Part of me, however, says, "Not relevant! I am writing for myself!" Yes, I know, not realistic when I also sometimes write about how I want to leave something behind and to be remembered.

Urgh I am rambling. *hits post*
mole-think, writing, write, mole-write

I have maps in my head

I have maps in my head.
Maps of longs walks
where I grew up.
Maps of long, solitary
cycle rides and walks
with or without
an my accompanying dog1.

Later maps of
university towns2
_ visits to friends' neighbourhoods
in other or the same towns.
Cities and countryside
memories of expeditions
_ of rambles aimless rambling meanders
in the daytime
and at night.

I can no longer safely wander
as I used to for all those years3.
I miss the aimless space to think
that cycling and walking
with no intended destination
create as they free my mind4.

- n

Again, this is typed up without editing and was written in about three minutes just now.






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Changes I might make:
1 my faithful, secret-keeping dog.
2 university cities
3 as I used to all those years.
4 created as they freed my mind.
bexhill

I have always loved to spend time alone

…although at times as a teenager I did not realise that I enjoyed it and, instead, thought that I was lonely. The following writing (not mine) and video sum this up for me.

HOW TO BE ALONE by Tanya Davis

If you are at first lonely, be patient. If you've not been alone much, or if when you were, you weren't okay with it, then just wait. You'll find it's fine to be alone once you're embracing it.

We could start with the acceptable places, the bathroom, the coffee shop, the library. Where you can stall and read the paper, where you can get your caffeine fix and sit and stay there. Where you can browse the stacks and smell the books. You're not supposed to talk much anyway so it's safe there.

There's also the gym. If you're shy you could hang out with yourself in mirrors, you could put headphones in (guitar stroke).

And there's public transportation, because we all gotta go places.

And there's prayer and meditation. No one will think less if you're hanging with your breath seeking peace and salvation.

Start simple. Things you may have previously (electric guitar plucking) based on your avoid being alone principals.

The lunch counter. Where you will be surrounded by chow-downers. Employees who only have an hour and their spouses work across town and so they -- like you -- will be alone.

Resist the urge to hang out with your cell phone.

When you are comfortable with eat lunch and run, take yourself out for dinner. A restaurant with linen and silverware. You're no less intriguing a person when you're eating solo dessert to cleaning the whipped cream from the dish with your finger. In fact some people at full tables will wish they were where you were.

Go to the movies. Where it is dark and soothing. Alone in your seat amidst a fleeting community.
And then, take yourself out dancing to a club where no one knows you. Stand on the outside of the floor till the lights convince you more and more and the music shows you. Dance like no one's watching...because, they're probably not. And, if they are, assume it is with best of human intentions. The way bodies move genuinely to beats is, after all, gorgeous and affecting. Dance until you're sweating, and beads of perspiration remind you of life's best things, down your back like a brook of blessings.

Go to the woods alone, and the trees and squirrels will watch for you.
Go to an unfamiliar city, roam the streets, there're always statues to talk to and benches made for sitting give strangers a shared existence if only for a minute and these moments can be so uplifting and the conversations you get in by sitting alone on benches might've never happened had you not been there by yourself

Society is afraid of alonedom, like lonely hearts are wasting away in basements, like people must have problems if, after a while, nobody is dating them. but lonely is a freedom that breaths easy and weightless and lonely is healing if you make it.

You could stand, swathed by groups and mobs or hold hands with your partner, look both further and farther for the endless quest for company. But no one's in your head and by the time you translate your thoughts, some essence of them may be lost or perhaps it is just kept.

Perhaps in the interest of loving oneself, perhaps all those sappy slogans from preschool over to high school's groaning were tokens for holding the lonely at bay. Cuz if you're happy in your head than solitude is blessed and alone is okay.

It's okay if no one believes like you. All experience is unique, no one has the same synapses, can't think like you, for this be releived, keeps things interesting lifes magic things in reach.

And it doesn't mean you're not connected, that communitie's not present, just take the perspective you get from being one person in one head and feel the effects of it. take silence and respect it. if you have an art that needs a practice, stop neglecting it. if your family doesn't get you, or religious sect is not meant for you, don't obsess about it.

you could be in an instant surrounded if you needed it
If your heart is bleeding make the best of it
There is heat in freezing, be a testament.


YouTube - andyradorfman's How To Be Alone