June 26th, 2010

pixel-smile, smile

"We're all stories in the end."

"I am not frightened of dying. Any time will do." - Pink Floyd.

When I die I will cease to exist.

Eventually there will be nobody left alive that remembers me and all traces of my online presence will have evapourated. My flickr account, natalieford.com domain and even my permanent LiveJournal journal will cease to exist - when LiveJournal goes tits-up in the latter case and once the subscription payments expire in other cases.
I have (and will have) no children who will tell their children about me. Two or three generations later even my brother's children's children (once he has the kids he wants) will not speak of me.

I do wonder how to leave my touch upon the world. I also wonder why it is so important to me to want to do so. Who will even care? I sure as hell won't once I am dead.
I will not miss being alive. Either there is nothing after death and so I will not even know that I am dead or that I once lived or, on the other hand, there is something else that comes after death in this life and I will be too busy with that to worry about this past life. If I even remember this past by that point.

Other people (and maybe pets) may miss me for a while. Part of me hopes that they won't feel pain at this and so they *won't* miss me but part of me wishes to be remembered. That is such a tricky dichotomy. I want people to remember me (other wise my life may have been as meaningless as it likely is) but, in remembering me, they are likely to feel pain. How cruel and selfish that is of me!

{I wrote this a few nights ago while I was still at home…}
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