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April 8th, 2003

This may end up as a private journal.

I am going to start by pasting all the stuff I have stored away that I have written in the past - starting with a poem written when I was 8 and continuing over the years - a lot of it as an angst ridden (and, at times 'born again') teenager. Some were even songs with the help of my guitar. I make no apology for any of that.

This is how I described these old writings when they appeared elsewhere on the web:

Those That Are Mine (the ramblings of an addled brain) by Natalie Ford (neé Fricker)

This is a page of links to various poems, prose and ramblings I have penned over the years.

The links are listed in roughly chronological order, where I can remember. Most were written between the ages of 11 and 20 (I am older now).

I have included everything I still have a copy of, for completeness sake - I do not like all of them and really love some of them.

Most were written when I was experiencing extremes of emotion - very happy or depressed - and so do not reflect my usual state of mind in any way!

Some describe phases that I have been through (e.g. religeous) on my path to some semblance of 'growing-up' and so, also, do not necessarily reflect my views and beliefs as they stand today.

After that, I am hoping to continue by writing some fiction as well as writing up some of the memories of my life - which may be horrific to some - I have had a life that many would consider traumatic, in places, but in others it has been just fine and peachy, thank you very much.

Enter at your own risk. Don't expect me to hold your hand.



Written when 8 years old

The little grey hare,
(A leveret he's called),
Sits all alone in the grasses;
So silent he lies there,
In the grass oh so tall,
So quiet that by the fox passes.

A butterfly flits,
And lands near his nose,
It thinks that his eye is a flower;
But the leveret then hits
At a flea on his nose
And the butterfly flies back to flowers.

As quiet as dawn
He sits all alone,
Until, later on in the night-time;
Crossing the lawn
As grey as a stone
His mother comes, saying, "It's playtime."

Out 'neath the moon
They frolic and romp
But mother keeps eyes on the wood's edge,
'Cause she knows that soon
They'll have to stop,
And go back inside, past the gorse hedge.

So when the time comes
To go back inside,
Mother thumps once, twice, and once more.
The dawn has now come
So they must go and hide
In the very long grasses once more.

The little grey hare,
(A leveret he's called),
Sits all alone in the grasses;
So silent he lies there,
In the grass oh so tall,
So quiet that by the fox passes.



Written when 8 years old

The little grey hare,
(A leveret he's called),
Sits all alone in the grasses;
So silent he lies there,
In the grass oh so tall,
So quiet that by the fox passes.

A butterfly flits,
And lands near his nose,
It thinks that his eye is a flower;
But the leveret then hits
At a flea on his nose
And the butterfly flies back to flowers.

As quiet as dawn
He sits all alone,
Until, later on in the night-time;
Crossing the lawn
As grey as a stone
His mother comes, saying, "It's playtime."

Out 'neath the moon
They frolic and romp
But mother keeps eyes on the wood's edge,
'Cause she knows that soon
They'll have to stop,
And go back inside, past the gorse hedge.

So when the time comes
To go back inside,
Mother thumps once, twice, and once more.
The dawn has now come
So they must go and hide
In the very long grasses once more.

The little grey hare,
(A leveret he's called),
Sits all alone in the grasses;
So silent he lies there,
In the grass oh so tall,
So quiet that by the fox passes.



She gazes out the window.
"What's the answer to number one?
Could it be 15c
Or, maybe, 51?"

A squirrel runs along a branch
And scampers out of view.
She gazes at her maths paper;
"How do you do number two?"

Numbers three, four, five, six and seven
Pass with little toil
But, when she gets to number eight.
Her head begins to boil!

"What's the sum of a and b?
Does it equal c plus d?
No. Maybe it's just d plus e."
Oh, tedious exams.



"A protest against violence"

(by Natalie and Sarah)

Violence reigns once more
The streets are turned into battlefields
Properties are turned into derelicts
People are turned into monsters.

Empty a bottle of spirit
And fill it up with petrol
Hurl it over a barrier
And count how many skittles fall.

Count your victories
By counting their injuries
Get pushed back by a jet of cold water.
But it doesn't wash the violence away.

Blazing torches light the skies
As the mob rush back for another try
Fill the streets with violence and dread
But when the morning comes the streets are dead.

Whose fault is it?
Who can be blamed?
Lock up the culprits,
But who are they?

Is it the police?
Is it the civilians?
Is it the government?
Or just the politicians?



To one who is aiming for a future goal,
To one who is aiming with full heart and soul;
To be told that the goal he will never reach
Is worse than the strongest promise being breached.

To one who has loved untold for near a year,
To one who has loved without ever a fear;
To be told by the loved one that love is not returned
Is worse than being loved and then being spurned.

To one who just wants to do just a certain thing,
To one who in hope's dark depths did self fling;
To be told that money lacking bars achievement's way
Is worse than, money lacking, other bills to pay.

To one who looks forward to a come or a go,
To one who looks forward with a hope he only knows;
To be told that he now cannot go or cannot come
Is worse than any would from any loaded gun.

But to one who knows the Father, be he happy or sad,
To one who has the greatest reason to be glad;
To be told that anything has not gone his way
Is a cue to take it all to God, to go an pray.

So, if you have been aiming for a future goal,
If you have been aiming with full heart and soul;
If you have been told that you can't have your way _
Go take it to the Father; kneel right down and pray.



Do you like me?
I want to know!
'Cos if you do
It doesn't show.
Is this love
Or just a crush?
When you're near
My heartbeats rush.

Do you like me?
I'd love to be
The one you talk
And laugh with. Please
Consider this
If you can hear:-
You're breaking my heart!
Yes, me over here!

Do you like me?
Could it be true
That you looked at me
When I looked at you?
Were you thinking
The same as me?
Do you like me?
I wish it could be.



Questions

"Why?" said the child
As his mother walked away
As she left him at the playgroup
On his very first day.

"Why?" said the fox
As he was caught by the hound.
"If I'd had a little longer
I could have gone to ground!"

"Why?" said the scientist
With unexplained results.
He never even stopped to think
It might have been his fault.

"Why?" said the moth
As he left his silk cocoon.
"I'm so very pretty now,
But I will die so soon!"

"Why?" said the boy
To the teacher with the cane.
Then he started to cry
And the teacher went insane.

"Why?" said the world
As IT fell from the sky _
The final bomb to end all hate.
"Why?" "Why?" "Why?"



Confusion.
Did he love me
More than I liked him?
Was it all one sided?

Confusion.
Do I like him
More than the other?
Was I being unfaithful?

Confusion.
Should I say that
I'll see him again?
Should I answer the phone call?

Confusion.

Help me, please!
I'm confused.



Evening

The sun
Casts long fingers
From tall skeleton
Poplars;

Clawing at
Long pale green
Blades of
Uncut grass;

Silhouette
Of grey buildings
On skyline
Imposed;

Scrapers
Reach the sky
Where the sun is
No more.



Do you believe in love at first sight?
I believe I might.

If you don't, when my story is told to you,
You'll see it's true;

That people who've never set eyes before
can hit it right off and, then, henceforth

You will believe in love at first sight _
I believe you might.



Literate

Her hand intertwines
With golden hair
Her face hid by a
Book;

Her face is void
Of all emotion _
The engrossed reader's
Look.

She sits in corners,
Leans on walls.
She sits back in her
Chair;

She reads of truths
In untrue worlds
And, for a while, she's
There.



A tree on a windy winter's day

The tree stands on top of the bank, watching the skaters glide below. It wishes it could skate. It calls to the wind to help it and the wind pulls on it's branches. The skaters on the pond hear it's roots grind as it tries to get down onto the ice.

One skater looks up and wonders at the melancholy cause of the noise and sees the tree cry drops of dew onto the heads of the skaters. It cries desperately to the wind to pull harder and, then, with a heart rending crash, the tree falls to the ice.

The skaters scatter and flee to the edge of the pond. One by one, and slowly, they skate back, going around the fallen tree, ignoring it in it's last, dying, agony.



The dawn

All is still, except for the home comings of the night's predators and prey.

The rabbit hops slowly and lazily along the scramble of trails and paths and disappears into a hole in the rich peaty soil. The stoat, cross at being too slow, bites dust a fraction of a second later. It picks itself up and silently slinks back into it's lair. Old Snuff, the hedgehog passes by and, sniffing the wind, catches the scent of the stoat. He rolls up and stays for a while in this protected fashion before scurrying away.

The owl sees the harvest mouse as it returns to it's nest in the corn and swoops, scooping up the young mouse in it's claws. It gives a hoot of triumph and the baby mice in the nest freeze in terror as they wait for the meal that will never come.

The spider sits admiring the beauty of it's dew-studded web before moving on to eat the fly it caught yesterday.

A solitary black bird exclaims on seeing the sun as a thin sliver of gold appears above the hills. It looks down and sees the farm cat below and remembers how it had flown from the very same cat the night before.

One by one the other birds start the dawn chorus. The cockerel crows and the rats stir in the barn. The cows wake in the pasture and byre and the sheep bleat to hear the king of the fowl.

The sun is now half up and peeping over the hills at the cows and sheep. You can hear the cowbells ring as the farmer calls the cattle to be milked. His loud but gentle voice floats on the cold morning breeze as it floats over the dew covered corn, making it bow to the sun.

The farmer's wife opens the door and hobbles into the yard to collect eggs for breakfast. They are warm in her hands against the cold morning air. She crosses the yard and stops to listen as a rabbit squeals in a nearby copse as a fox claims it for his breakfast.

The birds have clamed and have set about finding breakfast.

The day has begun.



The first snow

She awakes to the brutal sound of the new alarm clock, shrilling in her ear. Her eyes open slowly as she gropes for the button to kill the Christmas present's voice, and she see the unnaturally bright light as the sun shines through the yellow curtains.

It is such a surprise that she draws an involuntarily sharp breath. The trees that were once, although bare, still fairly green, have disappeared. In their place is a slowly undulating infinite sea of white, beginning halfway to the top of the lounge window downstairs.

"Tim, Gerry! Look, it's snowed!"

The patter of feet from the next room reveals that her brother and sister are also now up and, gasping, they too are beholding the sight of the first snow...



Despair

She dawdles home. Why can they not leave her alone? Instead they sneer and cat-call from the other side of the road. She stops outside the drugstore and looks around cautiously.

A little later, she emerges clutching a little package and hides it in the bottom of her schoolbag as she walks. Looking up, she realises with dread that she is nearly home.

Walking up to the gate, she trips on a wire stretched between the lamppost and the fence. The boys across the road snigger, "Pick up your feet, swatto!"

She comes in by the back door, which the wind snatches from her hand to slam it closed.

"Girl, don't slam it!" her mother calls from her armchair and gin.

She walks slowly upstairs to her room and takes out her parcel. Unscrewing the lid of the bottle she unwraps, she pours a mountain of gleaming white tablets onto the bed. Getting a glass of water from the bathroom, she sits on the bed and begins to take them, one by one.

She slips to the floor with a resounding thud after the 67th.

"Shut up girl!" yells her mother.

The girl is motionless.



Love is a glance 'cross a crowded classroom.
People are yelling
'cos the teacher's out the room,

But all that soon dwindles as our blue eyes meet.
Suddenly there seems to be
No air under my feet.

I wonder if there's any love that our love cannot beat?



Daydream

Thoughts.

Hands
Absentmindedly

Twine.
Stares
Into emptiness

Where...

...She finds the answers
To her questions _
Finds the questions
To her answers _

Thoughts.



The world will never know
How I love him
And, if it did, it could not let me down _

Unless, on the off-chance
Someone told him
And he laughed, then I'd never live it down.

The world may one day hear
My heart's story
Of how I loved and then was turned away _

But maybe it'll be a different story,
Of love that lived
To see another day.



You looked
Thoughtful
At me
When I
Glanced round
At you.

What were you thinking?
That you won't tell,
But I have an inkling
You like me as well.

You laugh
Happy
With them.
You think
sober
Of me.

Is what I'm thinking,
That you like me,
More than an inkling?
Is it to be?

You think
Kind thoughts
Of me;
The same
I think
Of you.

This is assumption
'Cos I just don't know
But perhaps in the future
The feelings might grow

Between us.



All is still _
Except for a boy
Delivering papers.
All is still _
No wind, no sun,
No noise -but, wait!

The tops of the trees
Begin to stir.
The boy decides
To button his coat.

All is not still _
The wind has come
To ravage the town.
All is not still _
To blow gates shut
And signposts down.

The sun begins
To clear the trees,
But it can't shine
Through rain and freeze.

Nothing is still _
The wind has whipped up
Great white snow flakes.
Nothing is still _
Children stir in
Heated bedrooms.

The boy is struggling
Hard to finish.
The wind is trying
Hard to stop him.

All is still _
The world has become
A pastel paint-box.
All is still _
Where once was landscape
Now is snow-scape.

Cars and walls,
Houses, trees _
All are under
This silver blanket _

And, all is still again.



Winter

The deafening silence
Of icing sugar snow
Of the cascading white-flake's fall
Causes awe-struck creatures
To hark at the noiseless'
Of not e'en a blackbird's call.

Cars of red tincture
'Come stationary snow-hills
And, moving, cast o'er snow a glare
From ice-bright white headlamps
They pinpoint the paw-prints
Of creatures of night that walked there.

Trees, gaunt and leafless,
Wear white satin ball-gowns _
Their jewel-adorned cold attire.
The small birds and creatures
Lay, cold, in the snow, while
We humans stay warm, by the fire.

And, soon, the snowfall will tire.



Resolutions

One night, a young poet
(not good and not bad)
Did write down a poem
(not happy, not sad).

She said, "as I lie
In my bed every night,
If I have the 'feeling',
One poem I'll write!"

So she thought and she thought
As she lay in the dark _
She thought and she thought
And, then she cried, "Hark!

I've thought of a poem
Which now I will write!"

You've now read that poem
She wrote on that night!



Futile love
Bringer of pain,
Crushes on boys
Not admitted to same.

Infatuations _
Sad when ignored.

Realised love is all I long for.



Deep Dark Depths of Deathly Despair
fill my soul as I sit and stare
into space
thinking of what could have been

Why could not the truth
of the dream
have been seen?



Why can't they leave me alone
To like who I want to like?
Who cares if I like him?

He does not.
He likes another
Who uses him for self.

Why can't he like me?

Why can't they let me be?



They tease
They never believe
They laugh behind your back.
They never take you for what you are _
Instead, for what you lack.

Why can't they see you're everything
A girl could ever need?

I know that, if I had the chance,
I would never tease.

I would always believe.



A robin I spied upon the back wall,
Who looked just like Humpty about to fall,
With feathers fluffed up -a grey and red ball.
A robin I spied upon the back wall.

It looked at me as if to say,
"Will you go, or will you stay?"
And, once again, in his cheeky way,
"Will you go, or will you stay?"

A blind man said to he, "you'd be
A pretty sight. I'd pay any fee
Just once again to look on thee!
Just once again to look on thee!"

There's a robin singing in a tree
Saying it wants to talk with thee,
A blind man wishing he could see...
Does anyone care about these?



1. Wait
in hopeful
anticipation.
I
just want
the realisation
that
the dreams
of many days past
might
come true,
fulfilling at last.
I
look on
with ultimate patience.
Wait
in hopeful
anticipation.

2. My
heart cries
in realisation,
there
is now
no anticipation.
All
the dreams
of many days past
won't
come true
but, always, they'll last.
No
reward
for ultimate patience.
My
heart cries
in realisation.



The greatest gift
From God did fly;
He sent His own son
Christ, to die
For all our sin
And rise again.
If he lives in you
You will not die.

He took the sin
Of all the world,
Disease and dirt,
The blame was hurled
At his pure soul.
He went to Hell
Instead of the sinners
Of the world.

He rose again
To live on earth
And now he lives
Giving all new birth.
If you believe
He'll live in you,
He'll rule your life _
Not kings of earth.

So now I say
(and listen well)
If you don't heed
You'll go to hell!
But if you do
(I'm sure you will)
You'll go to live
With Christ until

ETERNITY.



Ode to a glue-bag

(written for Jane)

Down.
Spiralling through the
Depth of destruction, of
Hallucination.
Down.
Reaching the cavern of
Fire and damnation, the
Satanic hideout.

Up.
Misunderstanding the
Glue-adhered impulse that
Tells you you're flying.
Up.
Out of the window and
Over the treetops, you
Fall through a window.

Back.
Recalling the memory of
Little child's nightmare, the
Big hairy spiders.
Back
You lie on the floorboards. Your
Parents remember how
Innocent you were.

Front.
A glimpse of the future, a
World without answer, the
Wailing of children.
Front.
A cross in the graveyard says
"Ode to a glue-bag," and
Then it says your name.



Imagine a dream experienced one night,
Imagine HE'S there, the star that you like.
He's singing on stage, when he suddenly looks down _
Then you're eyes meet and you can't look around.

He stops his song and leaves the stage _
His journey towards you lasts for an age.
Now he's beside you holding your hand
You're on a dreamland cruise and you don't want to land.

Crowds part to permit your exit, but then
You trip on a step and your head spins and, when
You wake, you are crying - you've landed at last.
Good dreams are bad dreams - they never do last.



Pain

Who is it that I think of
As I gaze into the night?
The rain that falls upon the pane;
The rain within my heart.
If only you could understand
My feelings, my love,
That when you speak or look at me
My heart flies like a dove...
The dove that flies above the hills
Alighting on your face.
Why can't you see my love for you?
You know I will be true.
You know that I love you.



The Wall II

The board looms forward

Ever near

School-type problems

All we hear.

Will we ever be FREE?

Will anyone remember me?




You were too wrapped up in your little clique
To notice me in the corner, crying;
Too wrapped up enjoying your happiness _
Why didn't you notice me crying?

Crying for love and friendship and trust,
Shrinking from hatred with fear.
Crying for him - the one who loves you.
You love him, that is all too clear.

I came to skate and talk and laugh,
In the end I don't skate a yard.
You tell me the news I've been waiting to hear
But trying to forget, oh so hard.

I'd love to talk and laugh with you
But the clique has it's doors shut tight.
I just don't belong here - or anywhere.
Rejection's my only fright.

I've no one to talk to, to laugh with and cry.
I think I'll go lie over there
In the corner. I'll curl up and cry and then die.
The fact is that no one will care.



They often ask me how I could still like you
Or, even, how I could so long ago.
It's hard to say just how, or why, I like you,
Or how I've never even told you so.

It started in a classroom last September.
I saw you sitting, new, upon your chair
And straight 'way I liked your every feature.
However hard I tried, I would but stare.

It started to develop from a liking
To turn into a love so strong and true _
And still, a whole year later, when I see you
I can desire no other, dearer, view.

But still you do not know my heart's deep yearning _
That you should even notice that I'm here.
I wish that you could read my thoughts and feelings
And know, within your heart, that they're sincere.

I love you - though my friends all think me childish,
Indulging in a youngster's harmless crush.
They cannot see that this idea is stupid
Or, how'd I love a year and love so much?

Just answer me one question, "Do you love me,
Or do I turn your golden heart to 'off'?"
Although you probably will say the latter,
I wish there could be love between us both.



I don't care what people say
I know it's not just fallacy
'Cos every time I see him
I try to keep my head
But in the end
My feet rise off the ground.

I'm in love.



Fear.
Fear of the hatred
Of those who are repulsed
By fear of cold hatred.

Hate.
Hate for the haters
For all except someone _
That one I can not hate.

Love.
Love for a hater.
My love fights his hatred.
Oh, why does he hate me?

Long.
Long for a loved one
To think of and be with.
Instead I have hatred.

Fear.



Waiting
Hopefully for someone
To tell me that they love me _
For me to tell them back.
Waiting.
Do you know you're the one
Who I am waiting for now?
So long I wait for you.
Waiting.



Happiness in this world
Does not quite exist
But one thing, I'm certain,
Does, and that's this _
It's joy in the Father
It comes from above,
Not rationed or measured
Except by his pure love.



Mixed up - but not so...

It's horrible.

Dead emotions
Kept chained away from the truth
Never to be set free
Never to meet
On pain of death.
The ear hears
The eye sees.
You say, "Oh,"
And the emotions sleep on
Unaware
Of all that they should know.
For then, they would laugh...?
No.
Sneer...?
No.
Cry...?
Probably.
But that would never do.
Best to keep the dark dungeon locked.
Barred windows
The emotion locked in
The truth locked out.
Why?
Fear...?
No.
Or, maybe...
Yes, that's it.
That's what it is _
Fear that when they meet
I would cry
Die.
What is this truth?
Truth for the world to see
But a horrible
Awesome truth
Not for the eyes of my heart _
It would break.



Alive?

Its stupid, isn't it?

I wonder why it is that
I never seem to know
How I feel
Or think.
Feeling is not real
It can't be.
Reality is fear.
I feel...
Nothing.
Not even hate.
I can't.
Why?
Why is my heart encased in steel indifference?
The feelings of reality
Can't penetrate steel.

Thinking kills emotion.
Rationality is death itself.
Emotion is a mask.
How come I have none?
One thing
Probably
Could help...
Love.
That could break the fetters
On my heart.
I don't know.
Could I risk it?
Only to double lock
When refused admission to the halls of pure love?
I couldn't cope
Like I can't now.
Or, can I?
I have to _
To cover my feelings with
More indifference.
Die within myself.
Dead but alive.



Dove

Emptiness
No feeling.
Forgetfulness
No memories...
Or, good ones, at least.

The dove glides
Soars upwards
Then
Suddenly
It falls
Crumpled
It hurtles downwards
Spinning
Dead.

I wish, almost, that I was
At least...
Sometimes I do;
Then I'd be free

Like the dove.
It hits the sodden grass
There is a dull thud
To signal it's end

Or, is it a beginning?
I look up.
Once again it soars...
Free.



Sun

It floats
Pours
Through silver plate glass,
Turning golden.
Landing on her back
It begins to slowly warm her
Deep healing heat -
She shifts to relieve
The burning sensation.
She slowly, inexorably, grows colder.
Shiver.
She moves back,
Preferring the almost-pain
To the freezing ache.
She tries to concentrate
Her mind wanders,
Rambles -
She begins to doze.
She wakes,
Later,
Knowing she has slept
Not knowing why she woke.
She trembles
And then understands -
The wonderful purity of
Golden Sun
Has been replaced by
Filthy Black Rain.
She is cold.



I am not here
Why and I not here?
Where am I?
Can anyone tell me
Why?
Why am I seeming to float on air?
Questions come and go
Rise and fall and fade away
Only to return
Worse
The awful screams
Tearing at my mind
The calls of fear
Hatred
Round and round
Detached
Am I mad?
I can't be.
Speech pulls me back
Startled, I scream
Inwardly
And float back off to nowhere
Distance becomes nothing
I glide
Soar
Am I really here?
Looking around, I see faces
Do I know them?
I think I should
Somehow they fade
Mixing with the swirling background
I itch to be free
To run, scream, shout
Be myself, alone
Away from futile hope
Agree silently when drawn into conversation
Die alone
No one sees
They live
They function
True humans
They battle on
Why bother?
Gain on earth
Is ultimate loss
Why, then, do we
Strive for achievement
It is as much a waste
Of valuable time
As putting corn in a
Bottomless sack
No use at all.
Still I am nowhere
Risen above the
Swirling mass
Of nothing
They call the world
The void is limitless
I move as a robot
Going through the motions
Controlled by...
Is it society?
Is it...
What is it?
Why do people fear?
Is there a reason?
No one reaches me
They see the exterior
The voice is not mine
I am dead&
It lives on without me
Emotions stifle me
The murderous of eternity
This is worse than living death
Knowing
Hearing
Not feeling
The sound circles round
Wearing me down
As the river encircles the island.
The fixed
Forced smile
Nailed to my face
with Absolute Pain
Thrown at people
Who require to seem
Happy
Contented
HA!
Falsity is worthless
Who needs a rehearsed
Worn out life
Practised from the age
Of minus nothing
No one needs you
You are expendable
Slide down
Don't partake
You can't
"Cos we say so!"
Nothing makes sense
Your brain
Empty of all memory
All knowledge
All feeling
Begins to addle.
Am I mad?
Not yet.
Soon realisation will arrive...
Won't it?
Another day
Another pointless
Fruitless
Wasted day
Detached again
Never to meet
Somehow nothing is real
Not even me.
Are we all in each other's minds?
Is the world my imagination?
What would happen if I
Refused to admit it
To the realms of my mind?
Would it cease to exist?
People would walk past
Slow motion
They take a century
To make their way
The universe
Stretches
Shears
Splits
Spinning away
Away
The imagination has finally gone
Left.
Emptied me of existence
What is existence?
Does it exist?
The world is no more
Am I still here?
Has anything really happened?
Was there ever a world?
Was THAT the explosion?
Colours
Sounds
Feelings
They curl around me
Soothe
Caress
I scream
"No!"
Struggle against
The enclosing void
Trapping
Downwards
I yearn once again to be free
I thought this was the way!
Maybe there IS no way
Even with nothing there
I am trapped
Trapped by fear
Un-knowing
Un-loving
Un-believable
FEAR&
Of what?
There is nothing left to fear
My mind is no longer
I have become an entity
Crazed
Alone
Dead.



Floating

Separate
Detached
Ever had the feeling that you're not really here?
Totally alone.
With fear, pain, thoughts
Look on from without your body
How can it be?
Agony of not knowing
Not belonging
Join in half-heartedly
It shows
Forced smile
Eyes cry out for freedom
From...
Your mind is a prison
Moving inwards
Trapping
Spiral down to...
Love is exquisite death
Alone is life
But...
Separate
Detached.



"Come on everybody, let's freak out!"

But no one feels
Or even seems
A freak.
They sit.
So do we all, I suppose&
Love must come one day.
Courage I need
Fear I have
Never having what is needed
Handicap of life
Try to feel
Senses dead
Hate has taken toll
The doctor prescribes love
But the chemist is out of stock -
The handicap of life returns.



Torn
Seeing both points of view
They're both right
But, oh so wrong
How do I tell them?
I've tried
But, I'm 'taking sides'
They say.
I'm not
I won't
I'm unbiased
Confused
Alone.
He's not winning
She's not winning
We're all losing
They lose me
I lose them.



Why can't they leave him alone
To be what he wants to be
Or just be what he is?
Instead they scoff to his face.

Maybe it would help
If I told him how I felt?

Why can't they leave him alone?
He cannot help being himself.
Those looks, like, "You are just dirt,"
I see the pain they cause.

Maybe it would help
If I told him how I felt?

Why can't they leave him alone?
Why can't I tell him how I feel?
So different from the rest -
*I* find no reason to hate.

Maybe it would help
If I told him how I felt?

Why can't they leave him alone
To be what I want him to be?
'Coz that is just how he is -
I wouldn't want him to change.

Maybe it would help
If I told him how I felt
About HIM?



R.I.P.

The sinuous body of feline terror
Tenses
As the innocent
Pure
Defenceless young thrush
Hops
And flutters
Unaware of dangers lurking.
The tigress
Prepared for calculated murder
Pounces.
The bird screams in terror
A call erupts from all around
As the sky becomes alive
With the shouts of angry kin.
No one who hears, understands.
No one helps
But one;
A young human
Bends down.
Water wells in the deep blue pools
As
Cupping her hands
She gently
Caressingly
Draws the mauled creature to her breast.
The usurped cat
Angry at intrusion
Spits and retreats.
The girl looks,
Smoothes the ruffled feathers
And then is angry:-
Ants
Myriads of small
Unfeeling
Predators
Cover its back.
She draws her hand over the birds body
And the blanket falls away
On her knees
She calms
Soothes the stricken youngster.
The bloodied sun sinks slowly
Leaving a dusk of mourning.
She sees none of this;
Only the bird
Which, safe,
Begins to breathe steadily.
The dirt sky feathers to indigo
Stars awake to speculate
Everything is listening
Expectant.
The girl shivers as she sings
Soft and low.
Then the moment comes -
The bird tenses&
Shaking, it fights to remain in life.
She strokes
Calms
But it loses its grip on her fingers;
The bird expires
And the girl sobs.
She kneels a while longer
Frozen by grief
And then rises
Gracefully.
Crossing to a bed of flowers
She kneels once again.
Her fingers scrape the earth
Whilst she cradles the lifeless shell against her.
Gently the bird is lowered
Laid to rest.
Reaching over
She plucks a small
Delicate
Beautiful flower.
Placing it on the feathers
She covers them both with moist brown earth
And a monument of stones.
They will remember
The small
Delicate
Beautiful lives;
Her and the soil.



Hello
Do you think about me?
I love you, you know.
Its no use saying its a 'crush'
I hate that word.
But, do you think about me?
Or, is it someone else who occupies your thoughts?
You can talk to me
I don't bite.
I'll end up getting hurt like last time.
You'll ignore me
Or, not know I exist
But you do
I can tell.
Speak to me!
Do you think about me
As I think of you?
Knowing my luck it is all one-sided.
Ah well -
I'll dream of you.
Goodnight.



I wonder what you're doing now.

You said there'd be a party;
Are you having fun?

Is your brother drunk again?
I miss you.
I wish I could be with you.

It's going to be lonely
New Year's Eve
without you
but, you'll phone.

I'm so lucky
To have you.



The artist paints a picture
On the canvas-board of life;
May you always remember
Through happiness and strife
That your older sister loves you,
You not-so-little boy -
So, now you're not so little,
May you have endless joy!



It all seems a waste of time...
We just go round in circles.
Does anything ever get solved?
Does anything happen?
We can try as we might
But, the answer is NO
It seems.
Time is the most precious thing we have.
Why can we not use it well?
Sort things out carefully and quickly?
It never seems to matter that the seconds tick away
Into the past
Never to return.
Time is indispensable.



Dusk

The stillness
A bird calls
"Cat,"
And then shrills in relief.
Silence, once again, is lord.
The sun,
Assassinated monarch,
Lies in state below the horizon.
Will it rise again?
I don't care.
I live for dusk;
The cool breeze
Soothing
Calming;
The sky,
A beautiful shade of dirt,
Is empty.
Not day,
Not night;
Oblivion.
A sense of loss
But a tinge of...
Expectancy...
Will night come -
Or will day return?
It seems either could happen.
A bird soars
High,
And then...
All is still.



Around me
Through me
With me always You are.
You hold me up
Your love surrounds me
Taking away my fear.
I need You so much
I cannot exist
Or even try to
Without Your embrace.
Love is a part of Your being
No
It IS Your being
Its my being that it is part of.
You know what it should mean...
How much?
Why is it sometimes that I can't seem to see?
Satan has a hold on my circumstance
Surroundings
Fears installed from birth.
Throw him from the throne of my heart.
You have the power -
Take his place.
Splendour
Majesty
All are Yours
There is nothing You do not know
No one
No being You cannot control
But You don't.
You gave free will
We are not dictated to
We choose our paths
Help me chose right
Help me
I need You
I don't deserve You though, do I?
Why do you bother?
Who am I that You should die for me?
Was I worth it?
Obviously I was -
Help me to see that.
Help me not to be bitter
You love me
I love You
But, such a different love
Yours so great
So overwhelming
Mine too small to interest You
Surely?
But, no...
You care
You always will
You're there.
I come to you
Alone.
You fill me with
Endless
Selfless
Love
Bringing me back towards You
Back
To the sacred halls
Of silence.
Awe.
Wonderment
Where I was created
Breath of life
From a mighty source.
"What is it all about?"
Many times, "Why?"
Questions
Circle
Spiral.
They are all answered
In You
In Your love.
When I see the cross
I am moved
I am humbled
I am not alone
No way
I can't be...
You are above
Below
Within
Without
Before
To come
You are everything
That means anything...
You are You.



I love You
Jesus.
You are the only one
Who knows me well enough
To know what I will ask
Every time.
You are too big,
Too wonderful to imagine;
That is why my faith
Seems as a mustard seed
To You.
Help the seed grow
Large as an oak.
Love is a thing we learn
We can learn by observation
Watching our Creator.
Oh Lord,
Your love is ultimate
Infinite;
We can only try to be like you
We never will be;
We fall short without your help.
We need your protection,
Guidance,
Uplifting joy.
Lord,
We ask
Today,
Bring your kingdom to earth
And reign.
Amen.



Should we seek for reasons why?
Should we explain God's will?
Should we say why people die?
Should we stoop to kill?
Should we not be children?
Should we not seek for him?
Should we not remember
That He died for our sin?



Love

Its lonely this physical need.
Its fatal in deficiency.
Rickets set in
And the heart bends and breaks
And finally dies.
We all need it.
We cannot do without it.
It is addictive
And fatal in sufficiency.
Obesity sets in
And the heart strains and gives up.
It is best to be ignored
This need.



Grasp at straws...
Staunch the flow
Of tears -
Stop the downward
Fall.



The face of repetition
Cultured boredom ensues
Thoughts are elsewhere
Necessary escapism
Sanity guaranteed.



Time repeats
Immaterial paradox
Echoes of futures
Pasts to come
Circular corners turned
Retrieval of things not yet here.



Doubts effectively cancelled
Renewal of emotion
Positive verification
Of the demise of negativity.
Forward facing hopefulness
Obliterates rejection
Total realisation
Of overwhelming love.



Soft music invades the subtle privacy of silence,
It pervades the very corners of my mind;
It enhances all the thoughts and feelings,
Helps to find the truest meanings
Of love, and then it soothes my soul.



His hands
Clenched fists
Strike his taut steel features.
Pain?
Frustration!
Why won't it come?
Papers rustle
Pens scribble
Faces glance at speeding clock hands -
Panic!
In opposite corners they sit,
Calm pools amongst
Raging
Tossing
Storms of emotion;
They have finished,
They don't panic any more -
The corners of refuge for sanity.
Who will have done the best?
Who has the talent?
Who will thank God?
Will people be praised or teased?
No longer panic but questions,
Enigmas,
Running round their heads;
Dancing.
One by one more pools of calm break free.
The time is coming;
Will the room be full of cool running water by the end?
Or, will the rapids,
White water,
Continue?
Will people pour from a prison or a holiday camp?
Laugh
Or cry,
But don't admit defeat
Ever...
Calm reigns.



We sit
We think
Thoughts kill our imagination
Reeling answers
Question themselves
Never-ending confusion
Recall
Explain
Commands to sensibility
Intelligence
Ignorance is preferable
Comfortable
Return
Inward probing
Seeking enlightenment
Dark
Sheep cattled into obedience
Community frustration
Conceptual failure
Fatality of answers
Interrogative lifeline
Snaps.



Hatred
Flows like
A river of Blood,
Bile and Adrenaline.
Pumping
Gushing
The compulsive words
Stab at the bared cold heart;
Sink the dagger
Still deeper and turn;
Twist the words,
Confound
Confuse the hurt opponent.
When will the hate flow cease?
When will there be PEACE?



It flows over me
I don't seem to realise
It does not sink in
It is real
But it seems imaginary
Temporary
Cursory
A farce
Disappearing urgency
Was there any?
Around the island
Waves of panic
Crush rock-like staunch hearts
On the summit I look down
It cannot reach me now
It is too far gone.



Void of positive feeling
Emotional annulment
Seemingly total
Deceptive
Reawakened solitude
Self administered doubt
Allowable
Unavoidable
Alone in deep and knowledgeable entirety
Incomplete
Fulfilment that falls short
Thought processes
Communication block
Converse
Polite
Empty.



Its much worse than before
Feelings struggle
Escape
Eyes wander from the target
Futile failure
Strange unknown languages
I should recognise
All that is beyond hope
No chance now
What do I do?
There's nothing left
Nowhere to go
Tied to a chair
Desk
Pen
Addled brain-cells die
Cue to forget
Enigma



Hesitancy.
The words do not come.
To be ruled by words
Who dares?
Wishes?
This indescribable fallacy.
Words come quicker.
Why should they matter?
They are insignificant.
Marks on a page.
Defined for eternity.
But, who says so?



Thoughts are meaningless
Meanings are non-existent
Unexplainable
"No deposit,
No return."
Time wasters sit in a room
Writing meanings
Why bother?
There are none to write
Unreachable
Untouchable
Profundity sits on an ink and paper throne.
"Make it up!" is cried.
Nowhere is an explanation found
So write the invisible.



Memory
Catalogued occurrence
Access codes ingrained on experience
Good and bad in adjacency
Inverse recall at the flick of a stimulus
Previous-ness returns as present
Replayed emotions paraded for review
Warm loving eyes
Windows through the pleasantries
The play has already been staged
Employed
Enjoyed
Beautiful memories of you.



Greyness
Alone
Dying inside
Something is going wrong
I can feel
Avoidance of issues
Of eyes
Of me.
Where was the dry rot genesis?
Buried roots evade excavation
Time splits apart
Together heals rifts
Clinical remedy
Annuls emotional starvation
Return to black and white.



Blissful solitude arc
Traversal thoughts of quiet
Perusal of emotion
Within the silent solo
Loud and soft remembrance
Fantasial reflection
Cacophony of wishes
For the lifetimes yet to come
Prescient pathways cross
Entwination of reversal
Revolutions rotate
And the rebels facilitate
Feelings of alone.



All in vain
Preparation wasted
Suspense pierced through the heart
Disappointed hopefulness
Doubts of previous certainty
Unparalleled experience
An opportunity ignored
Wilfully neglected advantage
Of realised requirement
Needful sense of belonging.



Inconsequential revelation
Significant belief
Isolation
Innocence
Revival of relief
Things to come
These things we know
Premature regret
Time to preview
Parallel
I think its time I left.



Surrogate emotion.
A mask donned through necessity
But, is it?
Suppressed and replaced
They boil in sublimacy
Volatile
Inert
Contraction of existence
Rotation of destiny
Windows shattered but curtained
Closed to simplistic realisation
Removal
Retrieval of past dignity
Freedom
Unwanted?
Needed for sanity
Insanity prevails
Loss of one
Reminiscent of proximity.



Apr. 8th, 2003

I shall always remember you thus
As you laid there
Your head in my lap.
In the quiet of silent conversation
Out hands learned all our ears could not hear.
Words were unneeded
An unwanted intrusion.
Contented-ness
And a feeling of eternity
Wrapped around us and through us;
We did not dare break the spell.
Your arms encircled me,
Your eyes closed,
Your lips smiled
As my fingers traced your outlines;
Intertwining your hair,
Caressing your face,
Your lips.
We were happy
Oblivious to the passage of time.
We would have remained,
Left to ourselves,
But this was not to be.
Somehow the dream has crumbled.
My heart implodes to the tune of a tear
That nobody hears
But, I shall always remember you thus.



Apr. 8th, 2003

Stagnant.
Artificial support
Cancelled fourth dimension
Suspension of awareness
Isolate
Insulate
Total in-existence
Obliterated impulses
Short-circuited life.



Apr. 8th, 2003

Something tells me it isn't going to work
But I might as well try anyway
I've got nothing left to lose
Not even my sanity
I think.



Apr. 8th, 2003

I would be so grateful
for the opportunity to live
without all this.
This will not arise
so I go on;
courageous.
"I'll cope."
Fat chance I have of that;
I never do.
Oh, yes, I get over it in the end
but meanwhile
back at the padded cell
I quietly cease to exist.



Apr. 8th, 2003

Somehow it seems
that nowhere am I needed.
People laugh,
fingers point;
they don't seem to see
the pain they inflict.
If only I could find
someone,
somewhere,
to appreciate me
as me,
not as the ideal,
but an individual.
I am a social hobo,
forever travelling,
"no fixed abode,"
until
one day
I belong.



Apr. 8th, 2003

Ferris wheel existence
Crescen-diminuendo
Inconsistent constancy
- A contradicted quality
Of fate.

Star-crossed blessing taken
Stationary progression
To inevitable surprise
- A chance to smile
And cry.



Apr. 8th, 2003

Silent electrocution
Impulsive reactions ensue
Complicated mechanisms
Involved within a failure
Synaptical stagnation
Some say accommodation
A stilted reflex feeling
At the end of a pure life.



Apr. 8th, 2003

To be understood, respected;
Not allowed for, ignored, rejected...

That is what I mean when I say this:-

To be cared for as myself;
Not to have to lie or wear a mask...

That is what I mean when I say this:-

To be thought of later;
Not to be forgotten out of purpose...

That is what I mean when I say this:-

When I say thank you
For being there
For loving me
For being you.



Apr. 8th, 2003

Hearing something that has never been heard before,
I stumble in my self assured existence.
I am caught by the very words that would cut me down,
Cradled and restored to equilibrium.
At times like this the world seems full of light,
Nothing false can invade our small infinity.
Those words cause all manner of thought paths,
Reciprocals are stuttered when thus taken unawares.
These words heal wounds and smooth all adverse factors,
A balm to soothe the turmoil of a heart.
Before, I'd used, but not received, those words
But, now I know the pleasure they can bring.
The words remembered as the storm subsides;
The words I use to tell you how I feel.



Apr. 8th, 2003

They don't realise
Can't understand
They have a year yet
and even then
they'll cover it with indifference.

Its' real
lonely.

People laugh
Oblivious to the rift
The loss is too great to bear.

Not even *you* understand
totally.

How can I go on -
away?



Apr. 8th, 2003

Severed
Removed
The umbilical awareness
Cauterised
Sterilised
A health of sorts implied
Survive
Maybe
Though, what can replace life?



(in the style of e. e. cummings)

th
es und
oesn otc
ha
n ge
h
owi f
eel.



Apr. 8th, 2003

Time has come, time to be brave,
Time to burn bridges and take my life in hand.
This is the hearing of the council for defence,
This is the place from which we never will return.
Will it work?
Will I cry?
Will you laugh?
I can't lie.
Please believe -
Yes you will
This I now
Know, but still
I am unsure; nothing is defined,
Odds are unknown. We will play this scene as blind
And the result is a change for good or bad -
We will never be quite the same again.
In the end
It's alright
(Change to good)
But we're still
Uncertain
As to the
Feelings of
Each other.
This can be resolved. We will work it out
Thank you - you understood.
Now I love
You more than
Ever
I need you so much
Oh, I thank you again.



Apr. 8th, 2003

Betrayal
It comes like night
To cover your eyes
But the damage has been done
Words have been loosed
Arrow-ing to stab the heart
Pain incomprehensible
With no relief
Dulls your mind
Your reflexes stilted you fade
There is no return
You were betrayed.



Apr. 8th, 2003

Time for thought;
An island in senseless
Necessary unconsciousness.
They tool
- these hands -
Alone,
Whilst my life force is free to move at will.
Restless
The hands long to be free;
To be loosed to fly with my soul.
This is illegal,
So I cut off the entity;
I padlock
Imprison
Die within.



Apr. 8th, 2003

Thoughts of a kind that cause despair...
There is not long left.
How will things fare then?
Who knows.
We'll have to live it as it comes.
Can we survive such severance?
The best will be done.



Apr. 8th, 2003

Visional prescience
Undesirable sensation
Familiar unfound knowledge
Fate's end.
The world switches
Reversed pursuance ensuing
Re-found nativital genesis
Relief.



Apr. 8th, 2003

The stationary concept
Is on all sides
As it runs in circles.
Contradictory.
What is the concept?
Successful failure
Or living death?
Self inflicted.
Masochistically created
Injected toxin
Halucino-foodstuff
Speeding higher.



Apr. 8th, 2003

There seems no point to this.
Some try their hardest -
They toil to build a throne.
Hours are spent
Creating
Polishing;
But, still, there are absent links.
Upon arrival of these prodigalities
The throne begins to topple.
Carefully choreographed
Passages of rehearsed perfection
Are slowly turned around,
Broken down -
Crippled to walk no more.
There must be some point to this
If only it would show.



Apr. 8th, 2003

We're running round in circles
Spiralling nowhere
Answers produce questions
Time retains it's stain
We trusted
Yes, believed them
Where has it got us now?
We must now return
Become the group once more.



Apr. 8th, 2003

I float.
Empty,
In the nicest way,
Of extreme emotion.
Oh, I am still capable,
When I want.

Observer without the clouding effects _
Minutiae.
Cynical.

A wry smile.
She has found something amusing _
Life.

It's really easy
after all.
Withdrawing.
Less intensity.
Control.



Thoughts and shorts

From here on in I will do what I want to do, what I need to do, what I like to do.

I have found, I think, a deity; a new reference point. I had tried 'God' and then 'boyfriend'. Now I think I may have it right. I will look to me.

My neck is on the line, but I don't think the train is coming. And it doesn't.

I wish I was as free as a swift, wheeling in the rain.

Living on one leg for a while makes you appreciate two so much more.

Remind me, next time it is relevant, that you are only as lonely as you make yourself.

What a bastard day - keep on top?

Here I go again! Can I handle this? Do I want to? Lets see.

Things are either easier to handle now, or I don't care any more.

Dizzy - what's up?

It has suddenly dawned on me that I could do without everything. All I need is me. That makes me feel good.

So why do I often feel the deepest despair for no apparent reason? And why can music affect me so deeply?

And why can the weather influence my mood?

Not jilted after all - relief?

An unexpected, but hoped for, visit.

A strange and uncharacteristic lack of fear and an urge to excel.

There are people, I know now, that want to know me. People that need my friendship.

One wild evening of neighbourly friendliness!

I feel alive and free and happy.

It is the shittiest day for ages but I feel fine - I have conquered! That proves that nothing can rule me. I am enough for me.

I am letting myself go again. I must be sure not to get lost along the way, head above water all the time. I must know what I am doing and leave myself escape chutes whenever I may need them.

Its good to be free again. Escape was effective and almost painless. I have another friend now.

Apparently the world is my oyster and I can "get who I want." Well, I hadn't noticed, to tell the truth, but I am willing to believe anything for a while...

I feel complete, at one, content to be alone; almost glad that I am. My own master, subject only to whom I wish to be.

Floating along at the spur of the moment; not one care in the world.

I want to be alone for a while. I am getting too close to some people and I am not sure that I should get any closer.

Remind me, next time it is relevant, that you are only as lonely as you make yourself.

Here I go again! Can I handle this? Do I want to? Lets see.

Things are easier to handle now - or I don't care any more...

I should hate myself.

Love is a wonderful emotion. It is all consuming and it springs upon you from nowhere changing your life beyond all recognition. I am in love and it is the best thing that has ever happened to me. So much for jumping up and down on my emotions until they return to their dark corner!

ME is no longer enough?!!

Sometimes I am *so* organised and, then, I can work non-stop. At others I can be *so* vague or confused. I prefer the former but it is more rare and gets bored...



Apr. 8th, 2003

It comes into my mind _
"I might see him tomorrow!"
but then I think,
"Big deal; so what?
I can live if I don't."
Still, it might be nice if I did.



Apr. 8th, 2003

Anticipation?
A new day.
What will it bring?
No preconceived ideas.



Apr. 8th, 2003

Time ticks tock,
sand runs out _
elusive.
Much waste _
sleeping boredom.



Apr. 8th, 2003

Thrash _
invited to dance;
fun.
People take an interest.



Apr. 8th, 2003

Somewhere
nothing
expands
and is no longer.
Substance
creates
voidality.
So who really needs?
Out.
Empty.
Dancers fill the stage _
there is nothing seen.
Eludes detection.
Fulfilled by absence
we are.
Enough without _
minimal excess.
Total in final.



Apr. 8th, 2003

Warm
inside, and comfortable.
Surrounded,
by choice,
by things I want.
At ease.



Apr. 8th, 2003

This unaccustomed state _
this optimism.
Almost atrophy?
No _ uplifting growth.



Apr. 8th, 2003

Infinite patience and trust
demanded by fateful situation
awaiting the outcome
in a wishful limbo

Thoughts
another's unhappiness
her own happiness
happiness?

Waits
hoping for strength
courage and composure
belief in a goal
relief.



Apr. 8th, 2003

Resigned to fate
waiting in the wings
for the scene to change
emotions under control
until I see you again
the play tears my heart
but I am compelled to watch
a vicious round enigma
plays it's game.



Apr. 8th, 2003

So here I am alone again
I think of all that's happened
I think of you and how I love you.
You make me feel so new again
You make my days worth living
And even when you're gone I'm happy.

I am here for you
As I wait for you.
I'm lying here missing you
Wishing you were here with me
Remembering the times we've spent
The times we've kissed
the times we've lain
The times when we were together
The times I wished would never end.

I am here for you.
I am waiting for you.



Apr. 8th, 2003

Is there no hope?
Will I always live in fear that I will
never be yours?

I want to be yours.
And if, one day, I am,
Must I fear that you will leave me
for someone that you love more?

I thought myself rid of fear.

Saying these things
I will no doubt bring you pain,
And that hurts me.

Saying nothing
Will not tell you how I feel.
I need you to know _

It's lonely alone
And secrets are lonely

I want to hold you
Be near you _
You are right to say
I love you
Is an understatement.

I don't know the words I need;
I would not say them if I did
For fear of making you feel trapped.

I feel I have already said
And done
Too much.

Had I said
And done
Less, you could have said no,
If that was what you wanted,
Easier.

But it means too much, you see.



Apr. 8th, 2003

A while ago
I was alone.
I was complete and content.
I had realised that I didn't need anything
To be me and happy
And it worked for a while.

No more.
I am not enough any more,
But now I know what is.

There are a few things that bother me.
Am I belittled by need?
Does a return to insecurity
Necessarily mean that?

Will I get hurt?
Because that scares me.

Do I regret?
No.
The good outweighs the bad.

Will I always be insecure
If I need?
Will I always need?

It hurts that what feels so strong now
Could fade.
Could it?
I am not sure I believe it could.
If it did, could I be happy alone?
Probably, in time, but do I want that?

Rejection.
That bothers me too;
And could I be happy alone after that?

I suppose I have before.
But have I been here before?



Apr. 8th, 2003

Selfish
Blind self pity,
Unfounded anger
Rebounding to self _
Deserved.

Wishes and hopes
Unrealised.
Disappointment brooks instinctive retaliation _
Suppress.
To hurt just hurts the more.

Too late.
Damage done _
What result?
If permanent;
Unforgivable.
But what to do?
To late to say regret.



Apr. 8th, 2003

I am locking myself in a box, this self that aspires to your love, that my hopes may be kept safe.

But the box shall grow smaller with time and may, one day, disappear. And, then again, the key may become lost.

The box I am placing within a mannequin which must serve to perform the act of my life until the box shall be unlocked. It shall hide this self, and this self shall sleep undisturbed, and it may be that it shall forget how to wake.

The mannequin shall know of this story, but shall be without power to speak of it. And this self shall wait until it is called and the box is unlocked, and then it shall hide no more and all shall hear its love.



(23/8/95)

The Lindfordian philosophy
of positive mental attitude
applies to more than sport.
day to day life can be
fundamentally improved
when the approach employed
is not inwardly or outwardly
negative.

Perceptions of self by others
will improve as optimism
is excreted from every pore
and the feedback will encourage
this outlook and demeanour
reinforcing and magnifying
amplifying the effects
until self image inflates
to its limits.



Apr. 8th, 2003

Distance
Twilight intervention
Focussed ultra-awareness
Time to revert
Realising destinates
They tell you
Revelations
Feelings of familiar
No disguise
Sometime re-awake
Refuge
Disjoint
(Reunited thought-paths
Beginning to make credible sense)
Incredulity
Refute
Withdraw within
Cover over
Ignore
Redactive influence
Opens
Inspirative realisation
Again.



Apr. 8th, 2003

Awakening
I think of you
I remember what you say and do
I love you
I go through the day
Fortunes vary
Then I think of you
Again and again
Reassurance fills me
I look forward to being with you
To holding you.
Willing slavery
No escape desired
I lie here
I think of you
Tomorrow, what will you say and do?
I love you.



Apr. 8th, 2003

Relief
A change of mood
Despair catalytically decomposed
Celebration anabolised
Ecstatic lightening of burden
Elation-chiasmata
Recombined emotion.



Apr. 8th, 2003

Duty calls
A keening importance;
Reverberating.
So I rejoin,
"I come."



Apr. 8th, 2003

Out of reach
Temptation
Resist
The only way



Apr. 8th, 2003

A single sparrow to remember me better
Brothers in arms on the tube
Your face
Unique



Apr. 8th, 2003

Heart to heart
"I like being with you"
Shy
"What do you think of me?"
- "A lot."
What more to say?



Apr. 8th, 2003

Nothing is resolved
Waiting -
Prana-bindu suspension required.
What will be the outcome?
Patience.
Don't panic.
No despair yet.
Yet.



Apr. 8th, 2003

The anti-Midas touch
All turns to dust
Irreplaceable
No one will wave a wand
Reform the degraded life
I am carcinogenic
Don't touch me
On pain of death
To live in isolation
My fate



Apr. 8th, 2003

Previous ideas,
Those revolutions,
Rotation of life;
No more.
Somebody caught the merry-go-round,
Dug in their heels -
It stopped.
The sun turned red
Then black.
A world without colour
Remembers
The cancelled past.
Emotions that once brought joy
Forgotten.
Catatonia returns
Prescience
Is a bane.
He was right -
It kills.
Just remember me -
I am here in time of need...
She pretends.
Empty reality.
Voidal to survive.
Don't allow.
Nothing breaches the cataract,
No surgery can remove.
Stare.
No presence visible.
"Just shout if you can hear me",
They say.
Absent friends -Feelings.
One remains -
Futile, so implode
(no debris that way).
I don't understand this word -
Happiness the paradox.
Spiral,
Recede to try to pretend to cope.
No success,
No help available,
Or,
To be precise,
Attainable
Or asked after.
Pity,
Sympathy,
Dry rot,
All the same in crippling power.
Solitude;
Safest, at least it is hoped.
Dry for now
The downfall ceases
To return at a later date.
Serialised.
"A next time will not be permitted!"
Trespassers will be prosecuted.
But, never to return?
Unbearable.
That four letter word of L-destruction
Illegal due to a quality of death.
Incentive resigns;
Leaves the country due to foreseen circumstances,
Position not refilled:-
Grief tries to do two jobs at once.
Failure
Again.
No matter;
Life goes on -
Or, wishful thinking.
No hope.
No chance.
No future.
No meaning to life.
A cancer is defined,
Carcinogenic speech,
Becoming worse for the cause and causation.
A need;
Water given to the dead,
Required.
It does not happen.
No more.



Apr. 8th, 2003

A place
High in your esteem
It commands more than attention
It is a reference point
Your life
Begins and ends
Here
All things centre on this familiar
Disruption
Causes confusion
No anchor apparent
Float with the waves of the tide
Until you reach shore
Home.



Apr. 8th, 2003

Time has come to leave
We don't want to go
We're moving from this place
We're losing a home.

Why must we
Do the things we don't want to do?
Why must we
Lose our home?

Memories are all around
Say goodbye to them one by one
Try not to show that you care
You're losing a home.



Apr. 8th, 2003

Thoughts elude
Desolation
Imagination stifled
Incredulous refusal to correlate
Facts and figments
Which?

Blue in blue
Isolation
To feel a subtle difference
To dream about the one thing you fear the most
Cry yourself to sleep.



Apr. 8th, 2003

Confusion
Muddle
Tangled threads
All lead different ways
All begin in my hand
Cast some away
Keep some
Destiny decided
By the wave of a hand
A gesture
Grasp at lost threads
Mistaken decision
Spoilage
The wish to hold all strings
Room for only one
However
Irreversible loss
Carcinogenic.



Apr. 8th, 2003

Poetical mood causes non-inspiration
Pen-scripture flows upon forest-child lawn
Moods become lost as the meanings of words

Laughter seeps in from exterior interruptions
Indifferent analysis of surrounding pseudo-life
Detachment in a cage of alone

No wish to be morbid, but the ink is predominant
Shaping the will of the last mood-felt hand
Trying to swim in a torrent of thought

A raft of illusion traverses the torrent
Rescue and sanity come to the kill
Come in to land on an anti-life shore

Controlling the wielder, the pen verses feeling
Writing, creating, a life loses time
Time for together, alone as a pair...



Apr. 8th, 2003

My eyes are void of tears
So my heart cries
Silent
Lonely in a crowd
Noise superficially heard
Does not reach me
Occasionally the sham-shelter slips
A glimpse of non-existence observed
By outside interferers
Then disguise is perfected
People are taken in
But I can see into me
I know
I cry at what I see
I must hide this from the world
"For the common good"
People could go insane!



Apr. 8th, 2003

It takes me by surprise -
There is someone who needs as I do.
The need to hide;
The mask created;
Feelings are hidden effectively -
They appear not to exist,
But I am informed of the error of this.
They do
They are strong
They are for me.
So, let me know the truth of this.
Take down the mask
Let me in.
I cannot think to hurt you,
However, vulnerability hurts.
Therefore
You will find it hard,
Hard but ultimately rewarding.
I will do all I can;
Soothe your pain,
Help to bind your wounds -
Maybe we will even lose the need to hide.
We could burn our masks
And become ourselves once more -
Together.



Apr. 8th, 2003

I was wrong.
It is no mask that I see.
It is you - the reality.
He was right.
Those hidden feelings exist
They angle my way
I send my signal -
Message received.
Understood?
We hope so.
Message returned?
I think so.
Though
I could be mistaken
Rose tinted glasses
Seeing what I want to see in this life.



Apr. 8th, 2003

No one needs me
I lie
But if they do
I can't need them
I try
Again I lie.
I yearn not to be needed
To be alone
Introspective non-thought.
But I contradict
I need their help to keep me "sane"
Extra-spective
Focussed on the "real" world
The one the norm create
I am the norm
I am the norm
I am the norm...
If I repeat enough will it create truth in the words?
Do I want this?
Inward spiral
Cascade to a stop
Stop still
Stop dead
Withdraw.



Apr. 8th, 2003

Life would be easier if I didn't have to live
If I could be alone, loneliness would not exist
Being in the world, surrounded by countless lives
Untouched but yet clawed at by my need from all sides
Surrounded by non-love, non-need and non-feeling
Alone amidst crowds and trapped by my freedom
I am isolated in myriads of unspoken words
Returning to solitude becomes all the more painful
Realising that on this return, nothing changed
I was just as alone, but now silence is tarnished
Golden agony tears at the nothing inside
Life without life, alone for eternity
Bearable purgatory due to ignorance of lack
A wish to go inward, to never return.



Apr. 8th, 2003

Maybe I was right originally
Hope returns
Doubt cast by rumour -
Pain -
Is dissolved.
Possible transience of sunlight
Battle for as long as pos.
Girlfriend is ex -
The path is clear
"Doubts effectively cancelled..."
I rest my case.



Failure,
I feel.
Panic causes shutdown.
I recoil from "impossibilities",
Adrenaline overload,
Claustrophobia.
Disconnect from fear-source,
Excommunicate the outside world,
Hyper-vent your anxiety.
I ache to scream,
To be away from this toxin.
No one can see my hell -
Except you.



Waiting
Questions
Doubts
Hopes
How likely is fulfilment?
What requirements?



So now I sleep

She lays to rest this restless day
And prepares to dream
As the world outside
Is ironically unaware
Of this
Its inhabitant
And her life.
She stretches out her feelings -
Her heart goes out in search of its counterpart.
They meet
Midway between souls
Exchange a beat or two
And with, not "Adios,"
But "Hasta luego,"
They separate,
Called back to their habitational bodies
As on elastic
She sighs
"Goodnight, my love,
We shall meet
In dreams."



Too close to home.
Lives in close proximity
Approximate to painful history.
Skeletons
Turned up by some unconcerned spade -
Remind me to forget.



It is hard to wait,
Anticipate,
As pessimistic feelings undertake a coup.
"Maybe it won't happen."
After a time it is as if you can wait no longer -
If forced to, you are sure you will burst.
All the same
You do.
The allotted time arrives,
You did not get there prematurely as wished,
And the wait was worth it.



Three weeks
a life time
but soon my life will end
but that depends
on some answers to some questions
and what they leave me with
then I'll know whether to live
or die
and why.



Time passes so slowly
Appearances of stopping are presented
A wish to speed the passages of occurrences is expressed
A hope
Life would be somewhat more bearable at speed
I think
Speeding to conclusion, the waiting is less of a burden
I know.



Indecision.
Is the grass greener over there?
How come no one can tell me
What to do?
(I wish someone could).
What is for the best
and, is that all that counts?
Sod it all -
All I want is you!
(Yes, still that is true).
I mean -
I find it inconceivable
That any other man could reach your grade.
I'm sorry that is so -
It makes it kinda hard
To let go and enjoy what is left
Of my life.
(What is left?)
I could end up hurting someone
Again.
Carcinogenesis - I'm best at that.
And I could end up hurting
Again.
(What's new?)



And she went outside and it was quiet there, and dark. The cold pulled at her edges and made her aware of her solitude. Her eyes were drawn upward to the infinity and something in her followed. She became a corner of the beckoning vastness and at once was at peace. Looking around she could see where the world began, ended and all that came in between and why.

She understood, at last, all the muddled meanings that had thus far eluded her. She recognised her insignificance and was not cowed by it. Instead, she felt fulfilled as if, somehow, her life was explained. She realised that she could not stay where she was, that her life must continue for it to be worthwhile. She was needed, even if the world did not know it yet.

So she left the revealing emptiness, the place which encompassed totality, and began to return. In sudden consternation she realised that the clarity she had gained was receding, leaving her as she left, but, she took one last glimpse to reassure herself, and continued away.

And she was there, and it was quiet and dark there. The cold pulled at her edges and she was profoundly stirred but did not know why. She felt comforted as if by an embrace and her spirit was lifted. She was not sure why she felt this way, or why this place made her feel loved, but she loved it in return. It felt like home.

13/3/87.



Sometime
Obscure
Things were believed
Devolution
Implosion to chaos
Expansion
Awareness
Pervasive dimensions
Reality
Ninety degrees
Dilated
Non-focus
Savour
Linger
Limbo in between
Drifting
Receding
Annoyances cancelled
Losing control
Structure
There is no shape
It merges to nothing
"Overlap"
An urge to go
Let go
Escape
Soothing retreat
Away
Drawn by those forces
Perception depleted
Metabolism a-symptomatic
Must not release, or lose inspiration
A rare moment
To savour alone
Alone with the minds
We reach and touch
Blend in sleep to one
They call
Are answered
Not yet
Savour the interim
Else
No chance to record the destiny
Things seen there not here
No memory
Touch the periphery
Don't get called
Too far
Too soon
Go
Take a peek
Come back
Relate
But too close then forget
Insistent clamour
"Come"
Go so far
See the depth
The enigmae
Long to realise
But
Must record
Remember
Allowance
They pull my eyes inwards
They realise the pen
They call me
They?
I never remember
It is good to be there
So let go
They call
I fly
Destination?
They
Identity?
They
Attraction?
They
They?
Away
Down
In
Relief
Isolation
At last
Sluggish
Heaven
Relax
Bliss
Relax
escape
ecstasy
ultra-aware
intro-aware
slow motion
intoxication
release
detach
sever
turn
enter
arrive
achieve sleep
weightless
floating
chiasma
metamorphose
slide
cascade
cradled
warmth
introspect
remain
well being
secure
enfolded
safe
warm
together
they
carefree
released
panoramic
fish eye
reflective
trancing
astral separation
observing
detachment
escape
they call
I come
leaden
high gravity there
them?
where?



Circular return
Changed constancy
Pained tolerance
Threshold quantities breached
Lucky
Privileged
But, does it help?
Opposite poles repel
The raven returns
Reality of un-relatedness -
Rifling flight.



Lonely.
They don't like me any more.
It always goes that way.
Always?
Time to move on again.
Again.
The time span is receding.
Soon no one will give me *any* time.
That is a lonely thought.
Will everyone desert me?
Will I be left totally alone?
Inevitable.



Independence
And self
Established
And then the rug pulled from below.
Just when you begin
To be happy with yourself
Someone wants you to change,
Decides that
Its not good enough.
Well, that's tough
Isn't it.
Like or lump.



How can something
Be so good
And yet so bad?
Extremes
More noticeable.
Mediocrity preferable?



I'm tired
Of trying
To please.
I want
To return
To me.



You
The embodiment
Of all that hope stood to mean
Years of waiting
Fulfilled
In you
Prayers
Positive answers to all of them
The most frequent
Heartfelt
Prayer of my life
Reaped results -
You.



I think and you are my thoughts.
I speak and you are my words.
I look and all around me I see memories, reminders of you.
When you are here I need to hold you,
When you are not I wish that you were.
When you leave my heart cries out to you.
I love the way that you look at me.
I love the way that you hold me close.
I love the way that you are, the way that only you could be.
When I'm sad you're there for me.
When I'm happy you are glad.
When I need your warmth your arms encompass me.



As I wandered lonely on the shore
I wish that I could be with you once more
Time has come and gone, now you have too
And never more will I belong to you
You stole my heart and made away
And now my life is but a shade
Oh lover, will you not return?
Oh stealer, will you never learn?
Oh stealer, steal away my soul -
But remember that without you I'm not whole.
Oh stealer, steal away my life -
But remember that you leave behind a wife.
You stole my heart and made away
And now my life is but a shade
Oh lover, will you not return?
Oh stealer, will you never learn?
Now the child does not remember who
Would sing to her at dawn and at dew.
There is no way I could forget
Oh stealer, are you returning yet?



I did cry then -
and the sunset in front,
a mirror,
poignant bloodletting of my heart,
breached.
Sometime I will no longer drip
tears of red
but, maybe, that is delusion
and all is now never ending pain.



Relief
More than prediction
Calm
But how wise?
False sense of security -
Could be fatality.
Bleak
For a while at least
Above shock
Numb?
Unsure.



Heads bowed in homage
to knowledge
wishing they could go there -
but where?



Absence
Consumptive situation
Scrambled communications
No time to say what's needed
Frustration
Loneliness
Seconds tick by.
Where do they go?
Seconds alone;
Better spent with...
Need claws at me
Need for -
You.



And I miss your eyes
That can reach into my soul,
Smile the warmth
of your heart -
Keep me safe.
I miss your laughter
Which has power to uplift;
Your arms -
They keep me warm;
Your whole being -
A powerful mendicant
For the good of my whole.



She was lonely.

It had been a long time since the ship had left, taking all she knew with it. She was totally alone in this barren land, with its total silence and lack of movement. When she sat still, completely motionless, the silence beat at her eardrums and caused her to fear. So she sang.

She sang the songs of her childhood, one after the other, over and over, the songs of sorrow which her mind and tongue collaborated to produce. The she sang a song that had not been heard in this wasteland before.

She moved her body in time to the elusive beat of the tune. She ran and leapt and danced through the empty landscape. Not for one minute did she stop for breath. On and on, not pausing for rest, she danced and sang. Her voice moved up and down the scales and then it too joined in the dance; darting from one key to another, modulating, as did her body, from music with a sense of expectancy to that of lethargy. All the moods her people had ever experienced were coming out in her dance, spiralling up and down.

Then she stopped. She stood where she was like a masonry figurine. And she listened.

The land around her was repeating her song. Echoes came from recently absent land-forms. Many sounds came from all around her, as newly created shapes began to move. Here, a flat expanse of hard earth would rupture and a life would emerge. There, a creature would scamper, frightened by the wonderful happenings.

Then she sang again. A sweet note came from her mouth as her body moved slowly and calmly. The creatures looked and saw her and began to move towards her. Here was what had given them life. Her song reassured them and her movements no longer frightened them. They began to move away, to find places to live their lives in comfort and contentment.

She walked now, still singing the song of comfort. She saw the sun falling on greens and browns and bright living colours, in stark contrast to the previous voidal greys and blacks. She smiled as she sang. No longer was she lonely in this, her creation.



Inevitability -
Do we chose to chose,
or not to?
Resignation of responsibility.
Perpetual continuity
to obvious subsequence.
Relinquished rights -
no conscious query proposed.
Ignorance of the committed crime
is no acquittal of guilt.
Requirement to assume the mantle -
be cognisant of situation.
Cause and effect.
"Every action has an equal and opposite
REACTION."
So, what provides the indifference?
Inertial, equilibrical,
STAGNATION.
Forever?



Silence -
The sound heard inside
When wrapped within you.
Escape
White noise -
The cacophony of life.
An antidote,
You are,
For the toxin,
Carcinogenic chain,
The reaction we live.
Altering,
Re-forming,
The constituent parts
Until...
A new creation begins.
Sanity maintained.



Beautiful
She was
In the sunlight
As he gazed upon her
And recalled their past.
The tear welled -
His heart cried
But he begrudged her nothing
In her future.
True love.



Warm
and happy.
So unusual of late
but the feeling is
that it has always been thus.
It must be that things change
but, somehow,
it doesn't matter.
Happenings will happen
and feelings will feel
but, always,
lives will live.



Friends to cherish -
a need fulfilled
in reciprocation.
Honesty and caring,
varying agreement,
sharing joy and sorry
and never asking why.



They are strange
these things that we keep around us.
We place great store in them
and trust to them our happiness.
These things, these comforters
acquired with riches
imply contentment in our lives
but, once our feet are on this treadmill,
we race forever onward, desiring more.
How much more contented
the poor man with nothing?
All he desires is food.



Casual ignorance
Diffuses populations
Frustrative nul-awareness
Wasting stagnation.



A seed deep inside
desires to escape
imprisonment,
suppression.
A growth, a release,
a deluge of hope
potential illusion.
A wish to exhale,
expel and broadcast -
acknowledge the vision -
A fear is involved
preventing release -
avoiding
derision?



Infinite cycle
Perpetuum
disjoint
reality deficiency
suspension
terror
out of control
pleading beg
consciousness refusal
unsure
accept decided
pending vision.



Un-calm
non-settle
blank flutter.
Exhaust
un-docking
de-conscious



Phew!

Well, that is all of the existing stuff typed / pasted - 170 entries in all! I am so glad that they did not impose those per-day limits...

I hope those of you that find this journal find it interesting - it is worth persevering - there is the odd gem amongst the dross... ;-)



I wonder why
I am always surprised
when it all happens again

You would have thought
That I'd learn from the past
and not pin my hopes up high

Different actors
Take part in the play
but the script has not changed

It would be nice
If emotions I spend
could be returned with interest



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natf
Nat S Ford
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