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I can't do this any more.

I know this is a permanent LJ account and I am still immensely grateful to whomever it was that anonymously bought that for me but I have once again made the mistake of thinking of an LJFriend that I like and respect as a true friend only to have them un-friend me out if the blue and then, when I message them to ask why rather than just doing what I usually do do avoid drama and just un-friend them back (I did that as well), am told that it was something I said a while ago and that maybe we could still be friends because I had messaged them. I know that it often seems to me that I speak and understand a totally different language to those out there on TEH INTARWEBZ but I am totally at a loss what to do. I had already un-friended them before I messaged them, as is my usual policy, but I broke my usual rule for self-sanity when I realised that I would not sleep for perseverating about it and messaged them.

Anyway, TL; DR, I am going to be taking a step back from reading and posting on LJ. I have also been sucked into FaceBorg recently but have been feeling similar currents there as well. Many of the LJs that I read are webfic and so I will likely add those to my RSS reader and keep up with them there. I will miss you all but I think I need to circle the wagons for a while.

If there is something that you would like me to read or to know please let me know via email:
natalief {at-thingy} livejournal {dot-thingy} com
natalie {at-thingy} natalieford {dot-thingy} com

Posted via Vita for iPhone.

ETA: You know what I would say to any of you going through this? It is their loss and my journal. That said yes I am hurt and upset but I will live and do not need their drama around here.


( 10 comments — Leave a comment )
Oct. 20th, 2013 10:54 am (UTC)
i'll miss you. i will email you and keep you up to date if you'd like.

big hugs. you've been a great friend. i certainly know what you mean about stepping back- i just got gas lighted in the worst way and something i suspected confirmed and yeah, wondering why i do this some days, but it is people like you that keep me coming back.

love to you, and i hope that you come back soon!
Oct. 20th, 2013 02:36 pm (UTC)
You know what? I may not be able to stay away. My LJ has been my home since April 2002 and although my LJFamily has changed over the years (with a few hurtful losses like this one) and I love you all as well, even if that love is not always reciprocated. That is why I call you LJFriends - to remind me that you are not all as invested in the LJFriendship as I might be at risk of being and so maybe I should not get too invested myself. I still remember the first time this happened to me and I still remember her LJUsername. It was so similar to this and, come to think of it (and not that I always believe in Sun Signs but personalities do seem to correlate with them, sometimes), these two women and my mother share a sun sign…
Oct. 20th, 2013 08:22 pm (UTC)
"Something you said a while ago" is a lame excuse. If they were "offended" for a period of time, I think saying "maybe we can still be friends" is a way of saving face. This person is not a trustworthy friend, and based on what I know of your online life, that is someone who cannot be good for you to open yourself up to. This sort of drama in general makes me sad, but I know for you that it takes on another level considering the isolation you live in in dealing with MS, much less your past. Take care of yourself first and foremost.
Oct. 20th, 2013 10:37 pm (UTC)
Thank you for your reply and thoughts. The fact that they have ms as well and, yes, I had shared a lot of myself with them, does make it a bit harder. You think I would learn? Heh.
Oct. 20th, 2013 10:41 pm (UTC)
P.S. "Something I said a while ago" was my anonymising paraphrase of their more detailed, with links, reply so as not to more obviously point fingers at them.
Oct. 21st, 2013 09:18 am (UTC)
This is unrelated to your post, but thought you might be interested in,

Drug triggers repair in MS-damaged brain,
Oct. 21st, 2013 10:58 am (UTC)
Thanks for the link but I had already seen it. One of my professors while I was doing my BSc Biochemistry in the latter '80s was researching myelin (damaged brain in MS) repair and had a wife with MS. The universe seems to rotate in circles.
Oct. 22nd, 2013 12:48 am (UTC)
You've got me thinking thinky thoughts about LJFriendship in general.

I take it you find it difficult to put effort into a friendship without making it hard for yourself to let it go. Is that accurate? I'd sort of like to say that you should avail yourself of without relying on, but maybe your emotions don't work that way, in which case that advice might be as useless as suggesting that you just grow wings and fly.
Oct. 22nd, 2013 07:05 am (UTC)
*lol* Yes that about sums up my weird emotions and abandonment issues! Thank you for tour thoughts.
Oct. 30th, 2013 12:21 am (UTC)
I like to read your updates still Natalie. If you are on FB and want to add me please feel free, I'd love to see you there. Hugs
( 10 comments — Leave a comment )
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