Log in

No account? Create an account

Previous Entry | Next Entry

More about that

I was abused as a child. Verbal/emotional and physical. "Luckily", not sexually.

I then ended up in a number of abusive relationships throughout my life. Mostly emotionally because I always said that if a bloke ever hit me or physically hurt me then I would either show him the door or leave myself after watching my parents' "dynamic". If only I had been as aware of and decisive about emotional abuse. I am now able to see what I went through, in hindsight, and know it for what it was.

This means that I am also starting to recognise how I react to certain styles of verbal/written conversation as symptoms of the PTSD caused by this abuse. When someone says something that 'reminds' me of something said to me in an abusive situation I fall into a fight or flight panic attack situation and, before I realise what is going on consciously, I am fighting back verbally.

I need to learn, somehow, to use the flight response instead. I need to somehow be able to step out of situations like this before making them worse. The problem is that I have no idea how to do so because the state that I enter into is non-conscious. I am unconsciously lashing out in retaliation to pain that I am feeling. I try to explain how I feel and why I am feeling it but that is usually perceived as aggressive - mostly, from what I can gather, because I can type quite fast and use proper English whilst in this state.

What is it about clear English being perceived as aggressive? I have no idea. Maybe the fact that I can talk/type at all when in the midst of a panic attack is perceived as aggressive and weird by the people that my psyche perceives as the attacker(s).

So, yes, I am noticing things that happen. I am sorry that I behave in this way in these situations but will continue to try to explain why I do. Maybe if people learn what other people might be feeling then they might be able to be less judgemental.

Comments disabled. Please do not comment about this else-web. Please respect my boundaries and the boundaries I can employ on LiveJournal.


Nat S Ford
If you enjoy this blog and want to help support it, please drop a small tip or donation into my PayPal tip jar.

While completely voluntary, all donations will help me buy yarn, eBooks, etc. and keep this blog (and me) going.

Thank you for reading!





Latest Month

August 2019


Powered by LiveJournal.com
Designed by Lilia Ahner