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More about that

I was abused as a child. Verbal/emotional and physical. "Luckily", not sexually.

I then ended up in a number of abusive relationships throughout my life. Mostly emotionally because I always said that if a bloke ever hit me or physically hurt me then I would either show him the door or leave myself after watching my parents' "dynamic". If only I had been as aware of and decisive about emotional abuse. I am now able to see what I went through, in hindsight, and know it for what it was.

This means that I am also starting to recognise how I react to certain styles of verbal/written conversation as symptoms of the PTSD caused by this abuse. When someone says something that 'reminds' me of something said to me in an abusive situation I fall into a fight or flight panic attack situation and, before I realise what is going on consciously, I am fighting back verbally.

I need to learn, somehow, to use the flight response instead. I need to somehow be able to step out of situations like this before making them worse. The problem is that I have no idea how to do so because the state that I enter into is non-conscious. I am unconsciously lashing out in retaliation to pain that I am feeling. I try to explain how I feel and why I am feeling it but that is usually perceived as aggressive - mostly, from what I can gather, because I can type quite fast and use proper English whilst in this state.

What is it about clear English being perceived as aggressive? I have no idea. Maybe the fact that I can talk/type at all when in the midst of a panic attack is perceived as aggressive and weird by the people that my psyche perceives as the attacker(s).

So, yes, I am noticing things that happen. I am sorry that I behave in this way in these situations but will continue to try to explain why I do. Maybe if people learn what other people might be feeling then they might be able to be less judgemental.

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Nat S Ford
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