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Their answer for
any relationship stress
always seems to be
"Let's not bother any more, then!!!"
At volume, of course.
That hurts.
I know that I am a burden.
I try so hard to
make choices that
reduce their stress
and make their life
as easy as possible.
It really hurts.
I guess that it is intended to.
When I am told that
something I do
adds to the stress
and all that I have
been trying to do
is be as little a burden
as possible.
How can,
"I REALLY have NO preference,
so PLEASE do whatever is EASIEST!"
be the WRONG answer?!
Because apparently it is.
Sadly that is what I have tried so hard to say all of my life.
I cannot chose between three identical options.
There is no right answer and so there is no answer.
Supposedly I have to roll a dice
but that would be like pulling out my own eyes
with a spoon
to me.
I guess that is the next hurdle
that I need to climb
in my life of dwindling life.
So I made a choice but that is not good enough
because I had also said that I could not choose
and did not mind
and to do the easiest.
I am not a parent for a reason.
Making decisions for myself is
impossible
let alone for another.
Stiff upper lip.
I just have to.
Like I moved us to the next town.
Someone had to.
How, exactly, is saying that
I want their life to be
as easy as possible
nasty and wrong?
I do not understand.
I am not the only one, it seems.
I wish that we did.
I wish that we could.
I am a burden.

Writing that and then typing it out has let me move on. LJ as venting/therapy.

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Comments

( 6 comments — Leave a comment )
sweetmeow
Nov. 15th, 2012 11:30 pm (UTC)
I'm going to take this out of the realm of "illness" and how this affects people, because I don't have that issue. I do want to talk about how difficult, I think, it is for people to "make decisions". I hope this is what you were referring to in what you were saying....

For example, a common decision is: "Where do you want to go for dinner?" "What do you want to eat?"

I get asked that often when I'm with people, I ask people I'm with that. And - yes - I don't want to make that decision, nor does anyone else I ask that question. It's couched as if you are doing them a favor by catering to their preferences. But - it's really not. In a way - the person who makes the decision is the one who has the burden. If it's the wrong decision, YOU get blamed! If they don't like the food, you chose it, so it's YOUR fault.

For me - the best thing a person can do is just say - - "We're going to "The Diner" for dinner." I don't have to make the choice. Someone else has "taken charge".
aldersprig
Nov. 16th, 2012 01:22 pm (UTC)
Yes, this. I dislike making decisions because then I am responsible for the happiness, then I am being selfish.

...that's an interesting bit of baggage on my part that I should probably unpack at some point.

natf
Nov. 16th, 2012 04:40 pm (UTC)
Ugh my comment got deleted it seems. See my reply to sweetmeow.
sweetmeow
Nov. 16th, 2012 05:19 pm (UTC)
I'm trying to unpack it, too - - the baggage, that is. :)
natf
Nov. 16th, 2012 04:38 pm (UTC)
Yeah, I don't think that it is that, although it may have been originally back in childhood. Yay evolving baggage. I just CANNOT choose. Give me a menu and, if I have not eaten there before, I will have to roll a dice or something. If I have then I will just have what I had last time.

If (the incident which triggered this writing) hubby asks which of these specified three meals I want for dinner, my answer is 100% true (and seems to upset him for some reason), "I like them all equally. All of them are acceptable how my guts are today. Cook whichever you prefer or is easiest for you to cook." Apparently that is WRONG AND EVIL of me. *sigh*
sweetmeow
Nov. 16th, 2012 05:19 pm (UTC)
It may not be "wrong and evil" for you to say that. However, he may not like to have to "choose for you", even though you have told him it's ok to do it whatever way he wants. It is the burden of choosing for you (however "burden" may be defined for him) is too great for him to do that.

I know that I get nervous about choosing for people who say that because sometimes it comes back onto you. Someone may SAY to do it however it's best for me to do it, but when I finally DO it that way, I am criticized for it. People speak out of both sides of their mouth. In other words - people SAY for me to make a decision for my convenience, but they are really saying (without saying it - passive aggressive) -- to do it their way, but figure out by "osmosis" how they want it done without them having to say it. I know -- this is convoluted, and hard to write so that it's understandable. But - I have experienced this. And - admittedly I probably have done it, too, though now that I realize what is going on, I try not to.

I"m not saying YOU do this to your husband, but I'm only saying how I have experienced this type of thing - and the difficulty of making decisions and why that might be.
( 6 comments — Leave a comment )

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