Nat S Ford (natf) wrote,
Nat S Ford
natf

My life of dwindling life (written on paper)

Their answer for
any relationship stress
always seems to be
"Let's not bother any more, then!!!"
At volume, of course.
That hurts.
I know that I am a burden.
I try so hard to
make choices that
reduce their stress
and make their life
as easy as possible.
It really hurts.
I guess that it is intended to.
When I am told that
something I do
adds to the stress
and all that I have
been trying to do
is be as little a burden
as possible.
How can,
"I REALLY have NO preference,
so PLEASE do whatever is EASIEST!"
be the WRONG answer?!
Because apparently it is.
Sadly that is what I have tried so hard to say all of my life.
I cannot chose between three identical options.
There is no right answer and so there is no answer.
Supposedly I have to roll a dice
but that would be like pulling out my own eyes
with a spoon
to me.
I guess that is the next hurdle
that I need to climb
in my life of dwindling life.
So I made a choice but that is not good enough
because I had also said that I could not choose
and did not mind
and to do the easiest.
I am not a parent for a reason.
Making decisions for myself is
impossible
let alone for another.
Stiff upper lip.
I just have to.
Like I moved us to the next town.
Someone had to.
How, exactly, is saying that
I want their life to be
as easy as possible
nasty and wrong?
I do not understand.
I am not the only one, it seems.
I wish that we did.
I wish that we could.
I am a burden.

Writing that and then typing it out has let me move on. LJ as venting/therapy.
Tags: writing
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