Nat S Ford (natf) wrote,
Nat S Ford

Not just her, it seems, but that does not make it any easier, sadly.

Apparently it is not just my mother that does not listen to people about how they best function and are happiest existing, let alone any boundaries they might have. I read this post (please read that post - she says a lot that I feel) from brightlotusmoon, earlier today, and added a reply:

I was going to say, "Just ignore them." Then I wondered why they were reminding me more and more of my mother, who I do ignore when she starts on about this stuff. Then you wrote something that could have been 100% about my mother:

This person is older; a fairly anti-technology person who doesn't care for social networks and the like, who mainly uses the internet for research and to email people.

You could have written that about my mother who is 70 on the 10th and has said most of these things to me that this other person has said to you. Again, I say, just ignore them with respect to this subject. It is the only way I can have any kind of relationship with my mother, even though that relationship has become more and more arms length, despite her living near me. I have a phone phobia after years of her starting arguments with me on the phone and so, if she will not interact with me in the way that I can interact with people (through the computer/intarwebz) then we just do not interact and I just cannot waste spoons on caring about that any more.

So I am thinking that it might be a generational "thing" but at least some people will back down and learn (brightlotusmoon's mum for one, cf. her reply to my comment). I only wish that my mum might one day do that but, if anything, she is becoming more entrenched in her ways and I am not holding my breath…

Quoting brightlotusmoon's post for posterity:
Nov. 3rd, 2012 at 5:43 PM

Well, I was recently accused of medicalizing myself. You know, putting every behavior and personal decision on my disabilities. And all I could do was shut my eyes, pinch the bridge of my nose, and say, "Sure. Okay." Because oh gods, I was not having that argument again. Sure. Fine. I medicalize myself. There. Are we done?
I don't think they understand, care, or want to understand or care that these are things I deal with every day, all the time, without end, out in the open. I can ignore it. I often do ignore it. Hey, I don't need my cane today, I feel great! Hey, I don't need my painkillers or muscle relaxanats today, I feel great! You know, until I stop feeling great. Until I am in so much pain that I am hobbling and sobbing.
But the main issue here is "Every time we talk and I mention X behavior of yours, you tell me it's because of your mental illness or this disability or that disability. Stop doing that."
Okay. Fine. You know what? I will. Fuck this. Fuck it. I'm happy to stop talking to them about it. I'll just say, "Yeah, this is all me, I'm fucked up." I won't even mention OCD, or ADD, or seizures with post-ictal state, or major depression, or severe anxiety. Or any of it. Because it isn't worth my anxiety, my emotional freakouts.
I've explained about my advocating, and I was told, "You are not helping anyone. No one cares. Why don't you find a shelter or clinic to talk to?" And I shut my mouth, because I don't work like that. And people over the internet are still people. People who need help. People who listen to me. People who have told me how much I have helped them just by talking to them and being there for them. And the reply is, "How do you know these people are real?" And I say, "How do we know anyone is real? How do they know I am real? Do I care? People exist all over the place. And just because so many of my friends don't live anywhere near me, it doesn't mean that they are fake or I am fake or..." And the person just says, "Yeah, good point."
Oh gods, fuck it. I'm making myself upset again. I just... fuck, now I feel so useless. What is my worth now if I'm being told that nothing I do is useful or helpful or worthwhile?
Small disclosure: This is someone I met in DC many years ago and kept in contact with after they moved away. This person is older; a fairly anti-technology person who doesn't care for social networks and the like, who mainly uses the internet for research and to email people. This is a friend whom I talk on the phone with often. This is someone I love dearly and wish to keep in my life. But if this person keeps telling me that my online interactions are not as helpful, useful, or worthwhile as I believe, I'm going to tell them that we cannot discuss this anymore. We can discuss anything else, anything at all, except this.
Yep. Crying now. I didn't want this. Oh well.
Oh, I will get past it. I always do. I know this person never means to hurt me and truly doesn't want to hurt me. But we live such different lives. There will never be that true connection. My world is mostly online because I don't like talking to groups. I freeze up. My throat closes in that anxiety way. And of course, there are so many ways to get over stage fright... but I'll do that when it comes to that.
It's okay. I will take care of this. I just need to teach myself to grow a stronger and sturdier backbone.

Tags: anxiety, chronic pain, depression, disabilities, fears, friends, friendship, internet, life, people, stuff, worry
Tags: life, links, mum

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