#339: My mom gives me the silent treatment. « CaptainAwkward.com
via "Things you aren't allowed to feel." by naamah_darling
"And, consequently, it scares the fucking shit out of me when people are angry around me. When they yell or stomp around or rant or whatever, any of the completely normal (I guess? Because I do not actually know for sure what constitutes "normal" in this context.) emotional venting shit that people do when they are angry and that shouldn't really scare me unless it is directed at me, personally, which it almost never is. It scares me when I think someone might be angry with me. It scares me when I feel hurt or sick or scared and am barely hanging on, and somebody does something that makes me feel alone or unwanted. It scares me pointing things out that upset me, because historically that was a good way to get myself in hot water. It scares me making my own decisions, because I could be making the wrong one, and will not only probably make someone mad, but have to do it alone, or change my mind anyway just to make the anger stop."
I just wrote a long email to my brother in Mailplane (a Mac OSX Gmail client), saved it as a draft, closed the app and then, when I re-ran the app the draft was not there any more. Gutted.