Nat S Ford (natf) wrote,
Nat S Ford

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Finished reading my library book

I have finished reading my library book which is a good thing because it has to go back on or before Friday. Now I want to reread it (but will not be able to renew this copy as it is an inter-library loan). I need to scrape together £22.76 for a kindle version (sadly you can't buy me things from my kindle wishlist) or £27.11 for the paperback (from a 3rd party seller on - my nonfiction wishlist) - text book prices?!

I want to do a post at some point about the bits that made me nod the most and have written a few quotes out on paper but there is so much about this book that rings true with me - about both my mum, my brother and myself - it even briefly mentions a schizophrenic father. It could have been written about me and my family.

I am so glad that hubby and I decided not to have kids. Truth be told, I decided pretty young not to have kids so that I would not destroy them like my family did. I had no idea then what I know now but I still know that I would not be good for children if I was their mother. I would have hated to perpetuate this into another generation.

At least I now know that mum cannot help/change how she is (BPD is apparently on a par with brainwashing or brain damage and almost impossible to fix as an adult - and she refuses to see a therapist or go on any meds - has done for years) and so I should stop wasting my time, energy and anger on trying to teach her and/or change her. I just need to learn how best to state my feelings and intentions to her so that she will not be able to get into my life more than I can cope with her being.

I thought that that article about Narcissistic Mothers rang true and there are elements of it that still do but this book about Mothers with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) rings much more clearly and in tune. I now have an urge to sit in the library and devour everything they have on BPD and psychology in general. I see elements of BPD in myself as well as mum. I am beginning to wish that I had studied something useful and interesting like Psychology at uni instead of Biochemistry (which I ended up hating) and Information Technology (ditto). Ah well, this philomath can learn now instead!

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