Nat S Ford (natf) wrote,
Nat S Ford
natf

I feel like I am losing me/myself

ETA: This is not an accusation and is not aimed at anyone. It is merely a statement/ramble about how I am feeling right now. If you think this is aimed at you, it isn't.

I cannot remember the child that I was. I have few photographs or childhood items to remind me. As time has gone by, I (and my parents) have got rid of the things that described and/or defined me.

I have lost so many abilities that the hobbies which used to define me to myself have evapourated and, with them, my self-image. I no longer know who I am.

I used to be a sporty loner. Artistic and creative. I would write and write. My mind was brim full with ideas, characters and worlds. Now my mind struggles to hold how I am feeling today, both emotionally and physically. My world has shrunk both with respect to possibilities and to memories. I keep thinking to myself that this must be how that little old lady in the nursing home must feel. I am 43.

In the last few days, many many other items that reminded me of my university-student self (who I also cannot remember without the items) have become landfill. Not even handed on to others via charity shops or eBay. I am become landfill, it seems. And, yes, we all become dust eventually and I do not believe in an afterlife of any kind so I keep finding myself wondering, what is/was the point? Why did I strive to achieve? My accomplishments are now landfill along with my BSc and MSc thesis printouts. I have managed to save a few items to remind myself and some writings/projects that I will scan (like the diaries I wrote when we lived in the US (.PDF) for 9 months when I was 5 → 6). Why do I bother to scan/save them? Nobody else will find them interesting. I am not going to be changing the world at all by saving them or by anything else I do.

I still love to learn. I love teaching myself new knitting skills via downloaded PDFs and watching online videos. I used to want to share that knowledge, maybe even by making videos myself of how I knit.

I used to love to trampoline, teaching that as well. I would cycle, walk and swim. The world around me was to be explored and *seen*.

I now know that I have no right to want to leave something behind as a legacy. I have nothing that anyone will want, once I am gone. I will only be missed by my nearest and dearest and a few of you out there that read my journal, although fewer and fewer of you do, it seems. Maybe because I am becoming more and more inward-looking. Maybe because that is all that I see, these days, apart from four walls, hubby and the cats. I am also becoming more of the opinion that there is little or no point to it all.

Gah - this has become maudlin and rambling. I should probably just delete it and not hit "post" but I am nothing if not completist and would rather this be out there and readable than a *total* waste of my time at the keyboard…


Subject line / title note: "am losing" or "have lost"
Tags: legacy, life
Subscribe
  • Post a new comment

    Error

    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.
  • 9 comments