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I feel like I am losing me/myself

ETA: This is not an accusation and is not aimed at anyone. It is merely a statement/ramble about how I am feeling right now. If you think this is aimed at you, it isn't.

I cannot remember the child that I was. I have few photographs or childhood items to remind me. As time has gone by, I (and my parents) have got rid of the things that described and/or defined me.

I have lost so many abilities that the hobbies which used to define me to myself have evapourated and, with them, my self-image. I no longer know who I am.

I used to be a sporty loner. Artistic and creative. I would write and write. My mind was brim full with ideas, characters and worlds. Now my mind struggles to hold how I am feeling today, both emotionally and physically. My world has shrunk both with respect to possibilities and to memories. I keep thinking to myself that this must be how that little old lady in the nursing home must feel. I am 43.

In the last few days, many many other items that reminded me of my university-student self (who I also cannot remember without the items) have become landfill. Not even handed on to others via charity shops or eBay. I am become landfill, it seems. And, yes, we all become dust eventually and I do not believe in an afterlife of any kind so I keep finding myself wondering, what is/was the point? Why did I strive to achieve? My accomplishments are now landfill along with my BSc and MSc thesis printouts. I have managed to save a few items to remind myself and some writings/projects that I will scan (like the diaries I wrote when we lived in the US (.PDF) for 9 months when I was 5 → 6). Why do I bother to scan/save them? Nobody else will find them interesting. I am not going to be changing the world at all by saving them or by anything else I do.

I still love to learn. I love teaching myself new knitting skills via downloaded PDFs and watching online videos. I used to want to share that knowledge, maybe even by making videos myself of how I knit.

I used to love to trampoline, teaching that as well. I would cycle, walk and swim. The world around me was to be explored and *seen*.

I now know that I have no right to want to leave something behind as a legacy. I have nothing that anyone will want, once I am gone. I will only be missed by my nearest and dearest and a few of you out there that read my journal, although fewer and fewer of you do, it seems. Maybe because I am becoming more and more inward-looking. Maybe because that is all that I see, these days, apart from four walls, hubby and the cats. I am also becoming more of the opinion that there is little or no point to it all.

Gah - this has become maudlin and rambling. I should probably just delete it and not hit "post" but I am nothing if not completist and would rather this be out there and readable than a *total* waste of my time at the keyboard…

Subject line / title note: "am losing" or "have lost"



( 9 comments — Leave a comment )
Feb. 6th, 2011 06:53 pm (UTC)
I think, the definition of self is one that is constantly changing and evolving as we change and evolve.

We are not the past. Nor are we our future. We are who we are at this particular moment in time.

The reason being that we cannot change the past. It has happened and gone. Since the future also has not happened, it exists solely on the possibility of what we do now.

The power of what we do now, is that it can be acted on in the moment we choose to make a decision. You can change who you are in a single instant. By embracing the moment and living in the now, you define yourself in a way that has limitless possibilities.

So the task is not to mold ourselves into roles we have long since outgrown, but to shape who we are in the moment that exists at this very moment, a moment that will never again exist in our history.

The power of now is very real and you can change yourself and the world based on what you do today.
Feb. 6th, 2011 07:18 pm (UTC)
Ideally and on a good day I would agree with you. I liked that me, though (although not so much at the time). Also, my possibilities and possible futures are reducing day by day as multiple sclerosis progressses. Your words are pretty much whishful thinking to me, sadly.
Feb. 6th, 2011 07:11 pm (UTC)
I had no idea that you had lived in the US at some point! Were you in TX because of your father's work?* Or did you emigrate, then repatriate back in the UK?

* BTW, you and I are the same age---if you were in your twenties, I might have asked about your parent's job, rather than your father's job. I remember the seventies, and how things were back then.
Feb. 6th, 2011 07:20 pm (UTC)
Dad's work. Also talked about here.
Feb. 7th, 2011 12:02 am (UTC)
Fewer people are on lj in general: I don't think it's a reflection of you. Few of my friends post regularly. Everyone is so sucked into facebook that they don't have time or energy to put into real thoughts, which is probably why I hate facebook so much.
Feb. 7th, 2011 12:56 am (UTC)
Oh, ditto. I was on FB for a while but can't see the point and so deactivated.
Feb. 7th, 2011 10:52 am (UTC)
I get depressed by the way twitter and facebook have sucked everyone in. What happened to content longer than one line!
Feb. 7th, 2011 10:52 am (UTC)
I'm still here somewhat, although I don't read LJ terribly consistently.
Feb. 7th, 2011 02:42 pm (UTC)
entirely understandalbe that clearing stuff out feels like losing things or underlining some existing loss; artefacts are so powerful at triggering memories
( 9 comments — Leave a comment )


Nat S Ford
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