November and December are always the least happy months for me. The run up to xmas, which used to be a big deal in my family, and both parents' birthdays being this month (dad last week and mum this week) always leaves me in a simmering state of panic-undercurrent and black depression as I try to make everyone else happy.
I learned through years of therapy/counselling/reading that nobody is responsible for anyone else's happiness. I have learned not to feel guilty and that it must be my fault when someone is angry or sad. This is despite, for years, being told that I only existed to make other people happy and that I should put others' happiness before my own. I have also realised, tonight, that I CANNOT make mum happy. There is nothing that I can say or do to affect her happiness. I will never be the loving, cuddly, successful son that she had wished that I be. I will never even be the daughter that she would be able to resign herself to having. I need to be able to tell her that and that that is why I avoid spending time with her at the moment.
She will never tell me that she loves me. She will never tell me that she is proud of me. That is not who/how she is and I need to try to come to terms with that.
How to word something like this is the trouble. There is a niggle of doubt that now is not the time to do so with her birthday this week and xmas coming up.
I am a misanthropist. She is a social Scorpio. I am a Leo and so need to be loved/liked. She finds fault and things that I SHOULD do at every turn.
I am now thinking in circles again.