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Rhetorical and rambling deep thoughts

I seem to have a letter/email to my mum spinning around in my head. I guess that I should write it down and then decide whether to send it to her or not. These are things that I feel I need to say for my own peace of mind and sanity but I know that they will likely only cause a row - hence why I need to do it in writing rather than face to face or on the phone. At least if I write it all down I can reread and edit it until it says everything that I want to say, how I want to say it. F2F or on the phone I will forget to say some things and say others that I don't want to say, in the heat of the moment, using words that may be passive aggressive and hurtful. Such is the way our family seems to operate. I have been trying to push all of this to one side and ignore it so as to keep myself happy and content but it is now beginning to niggle in my subconscious and distract me from other thoughts and activities. The calm, contented happiness that I have managed to find in recent months is threatening to implode and, while I do not want to hurt her or anyone else, I may have to do something about this, and soon.

November and December are always the least happy months for me. The run up to xmas, which used to be a big deal in my family, and both parents' birthdays being this month (dad last week and mum this week) always leaves me in a simmering state of panic-undercurrent and black depression as I try to make everyone else happy.

I learned through years of therapy/counselling/reading that nobody is responsible for anyone else's happiness. I have learned not to feel guilty and that it must be my fault when someone is angry or sad. This is despite, for years, being told that I only existed to make other people happy and that I should put others' happiness before my own. I have also realised, tonight, that I CANNOT make mum happy. There is nothing that I can say or do to affect her happiness. I will never be the loving, cuddly, successful son that she had wished that I be. I will never even be the daughter that she would be able to resign herself to having. I need to be able to tell her that and that that is why I avoid spending time with her at the moment.

She will never tell me that she loves me. She will never tell me that she is proud of me. That is not who/how she is and I need to try to come to terms with that.


How to word something like this is the trouble. There is a niggle of doubt that now is not the time to do so with her birthday this week and xmas coming up.

I am a misanthropist. She is a social Scorpio. I am a Leo and so need to be loved/liked. She finds fault and things that I SHOULD do at every turn.

I am now thinking in circles again.



( 5 comments — Leave a comment )
Nov. 7th, 2010 08:23 am (UTC)
write it all and se if it's enough to have said it to yourself; you may not need to say it to her as well, and if you do you may want to think about what response you're wanting and hoping for. sometimes just expressing it for yourself can be enough...
Nov. 7th, 2010 02:52 pm (UTC)
The thing is I have been "writing" this email/letter/conversation in my head and on paper for years, over and over again. I have even told her most of it at various times only to have her ignore/forget all about it within a couple of seconds.

I guess I am hoping that she might realise, finally, how I feel. I don't want to hurt her but would not mind her acknowledging that she is not always right about everything, that I am (relatively) happy how I am and that her telling me what I "should" do over and over again is ruining any chance we have for a relationship whilst also ruining my peace of mind and fragile happiness.

Ugh. I know I am lucky to still have both of my parents but I am also sometimes envious of people who have a good relationship with theirs. I get sad when I realise that I cannot spend quality time with my mum and that we will both enjoy it. recently, for example, when I have spent time with her it has seemed to be at the time that we were both enjoying it but recently she denied that in an email.

I don't know. Maybe I just need to work out how to come to terms with how it is rather than trying to fix it.
Nov. 7th, 2010 08:52 pm (UTC)
I don't have great relationships with my parents either. I've been there. I am there. I've tried. You cannot fix anyone else. You can only fix yourself. Your mother sounds like someone who just can't ever be happy. I don't know the reason but she probably didn't have a great relationship with her parents either. The best you can do is modify your own expectations of your relationship and do damage control.
Nov. 8th, 2010 03:21 pm (UTC)
Yeah, I know you are right. The problem is more that I just cannot spend any time with her because her "you reallly should"s just drain all the life and spoons out of me. Then I feel guilty about not speaking to her. Nobody ever said that I was not complex… ;-p
Nov. 8th, 2010 08:56 pm (UTC)
I know a lot of people that don't enjoy "the holidays" for a variety of reasons. I've finally wrestled mine away from my in-laws and feel much better about them now, but went for years just dreading dreading dreading.
( 5 comments — Leave a comment )


Nat S Ford
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