More like "Top 10 ways to get dumped for someone who is more caring!"
copy/paste for posterity:
No.10 - Buy her clothes that are too small
If you buy her clothes that are obviously too small for her, not only will she finally have to admit that she’s putting on weight, but she can easily return them for her correct size. First, she’ll have to reveal to you that the clothes are too small. “Oh,” you might say, “I thought you were a size 8. Isn’t that what you were last summer?” The onus is now on her to do something about it.
No.9 - Sign her up for yoga under the pretence of "stress relief"
This works particularly well if your girlfriend still hasn’t worked out the link between an active lifestyle and emotional well-being. Tell her you have found exactly what she needs to help her relax, a regular spiritual cleanse in the form of a yoga class. Make sure you choose an intense, calorie-burning form (power yoga or ashtanga yoga), otherwise she may end up rolling around on the floor a couple times a week with no real benefits. The beauty of yoga is that if you dress it up as a way to relieve stress, she may not realize that she’s being tricked into shedding a few pounds, and even if she does, you’ll end up with a happier, more self-confident girlfriend rather than a grumpy lard-ass.
No.8 - Set out on your own weight loss plan
Here’s an interesting experiment for you using reverse psychology. A subtle way to tell her she's getting fat is to tell her you’re not happy with your own level of fitness and she may begin to open her eyes to the wider picture. By referencing yourself in any plans to lose weight, you’re also subtly telling her that you’re not the only one who might benefit from a diet. And even if she does see through your ploy, she’ll at least appreciate the tact you have shown and will hopefully take the message on board.
No.7 - Serve her unsatisfactory portions
When dishing up meals for the two of you, try giving her smaller-than-usual amounts. By making her ask for more food, you might succeed in shaming her into an acknowledgment of her recent weight gain, and hopefully to instigate a conversation about what she’s going to do about it. If you feel as though you’re starving yourself in the process, remember you can always go back for more when she’s not looking.
No.6 - Improve your own diet
It’s very easy for the two of you to fall into the downward spiral in which many couples begin to replace sexual intimacy with ice cream and cake. Don’t let this happen by focusing on your own health requirements and staking your right to a junk-food-free home. It might even be the only way of separating her from the fatty foods which have led to the current problem.
No.5 - Playfully grab her love handles
Ask any man and he’ll tell you that he instinctively flexes his biceps whenever a woman touches them. The same thing goes for a woman when you make contact with any unwanted flab: She recoils and feels embarrassment. Use this reaction to your advantage. Even if she thinks that you’re too busy at work to have noticed a few extra pounds, if you continually rest your hand on her love handles (or even lightly pinch them), she’ll soon realize that you’re becoming increasingly aware of something that never used to be there before.
No.4 - Ask her to wear an old dress
Plan a romantic night out for the two of you and insist that she wears something from when you first got together; particularly something that you know doesn’t fit her anymore. This way she’ll have to admit to you that she’s put on too much weight and can no longer get into many of her old clothes. Follow it up by telling her how good she looked in those days, and maybe she’ll make it her mission to get back to that size.
No.3 - Schedule a formal date
Every once in a while, we print the odd joke that just doesn’t translate from our editorial meetings, such as the original No. 3 on this list: Sabotage her chair. Although we meant to be facetious in tone, we ended up sounding hateful, and for that we apologize and present you with a new No. 3: Schedule a formal date.
Tell her you’re planning an exotic vacation or a fancy night out at least six weeks in advance of the date. Not only will this give her a fair amount of time to start getting back into shape, but having a formal date to look forward to will also give her something to want to look good for (unfortunately, Friday night in front of the TV doesn’t quite do it). Be sure to tell her that you’re looking forward to taking a ton of pictures of the two of you together.
No.2 - Leave "now" and "then" photos lying around
This is a highly effective way to draw attention to the explicit changes to her body as you see them. By consistently reminding her of how she used to look, she’ll inevitably be more inclined to do something about her excess flab. Appropriately chosen and strategically placed photos should accomplish this quite nicely. Keep in mind, if she confronts you about trying to shame her into losing weight, the key approach here is denial, as you reply: “Do you actually think I would be that manipulative?” Of course you would, but she doesn’t need to know that.
No.1 - Take her to places where she has to wear a swimsuit
If she seems content staying at home eating donuts in her track pants, why not start taking her to places where she has no choice but to wear a swimsuit? As she awkwardly looks around at all the slender bodies having a great time, she’ll more than likely vow to do something about her recent weight gain, especially if she knows she’ll be back there in the not-so-distant future.
I have a few comments / responses:
a) Skinny women without curves are not as soft to cuddle and do not have as much interestng flesh to play with.
b) I guess I should try to find a womens online-mag to see a corresponding "how to tell your bloke he is fat" article - oh, wait, no, because we would never be this cruel and heartless!
c) Responses to each item:
10. You buy her clothes?
9. You expect her to take a yoga class at your sayso?
8. Lying to her about your reason for a fitness plan is not tact. If you need to lose weight and want to do so for yourself then all well and good. If she expects you to lose weight for her then that is as ad as you wanting her to lose weight for you and not for herself!
7. You serve her up food portions? Whilst my hubby cooks for me, I would expect that I am in a smaller group of women than those who have to do all of the cooking and cleaning while their men watch TV!
6. If the woman is happy as she is, the fatty foods are not a "current problem".
5. Making her flinch in discomfort and embarrassment is hardly loving now, is it?
4. Why do you have a say in what she wears? How dare you?!
3. Do not be surprised when she refuses to have her photograph taken with you. You have made her feel so ugly and insignificant by now and would never want her photograph taken again, with you or with anyone!
2. …especially if you are going to use the photgraphs to make her feel even more uncomfortable!
1. Now you are making me REALLY angry! How dare you assume that you have the right to force her to go anywhere, let alone force her to wear a swimsuit?
Miogynistic online mens magazine is misogynistic, much?! Yes, the "you" in my above responses does not refer to any man, woman or person in particular. It refers to the nebulous group of people/men that might read that article and then act on it, thinking it to be a good way to behave towards a woman. My reply? NO!!!
Link found in the comments thread to a post over at naamah_darling. It is no responsibility of hers or of mine.